How to REALLY keep your man

I’m a weird person and most of you know this. One of the ways in which I’m weird is in my purchasing habits when it comes to magazines. Unless it’s a designer magazine, my primary reason for purchasing a magazine is for the ads, art direction, and layout. The content most often takes second place. I’m just of the belief that I need to be kept abreast of developing trends, concepts, and styles for print media from around the world because there isn’t Jack all that’s inspirational about design in Antigua. I’m going to change that one day…

NOT the way to do it...

It is because of the above mentioned “weirdness” that I’ve purchased magazines ranging from things I am actually into (Elle and GQ, PC Mag, Playboy, Sports Illustrated) to stuff I really couldn’t care less about (Good Housekeeping, Entertainment Weekly, the National Enquirer, Organic Gardening). I try to keep it as diverse as the newsstand nearest to me at the time would allow. From time to time I’ll find a gem amongst them that I’ll go back and buy two or three issues of within the span of a year. One of these magazines is Cosmopolitan.

For a lot of chicks, Cosmo is the bible containing teachings their lives should be guided by and eventually will be compared to come Judgment Day. If Cosmo said “sucking dick makes you look younger” you better believe Oil of Olay and Botox sales are going to take a significant dip within the following week. For me, Cosmo is a comic book. They always have some “been around the town; ‘Sex and the City’” type chick or some “sitting on the fence eating steak but wearing a tiara” type dude trying to give advice about men. It’s never a REAL man writing their “men” articles.

Not being biased, I will admit that there are probably some topics a slut and a closet fag (no I’m not homophobic) could give sound advice on like, “Give him the best head of his life”. Probably Cosmo’s main reoccurring advice article theme deals with keeping a man happy, preventing him from cheating, or knowing when he is. This is something I think you’d need to get a REAL guy to talk about because if not, the same open-ended, basic advice that gets passed around in Chickland will still be circulated and leaving chicks wondering why they still got the bad end of the stick.

I’m not saying that what the contributors of Cosmo write about in this area isn’t good; I’m just saying that it isn’t THAT good (and that they should give me a job ^_^). I mean if it was really good advice they wouldn’t need to have an article about it every two to four months. They’d just have one SOLID article and everyone would buy that issue it was in. However they are in it to sell the maximum amount of ads possible each month and a single “end all” article would cripple that goal. So instead they prey on a chick’s insecurities and her desire for new information about them (just like these diet planning people do). Every few months you’ll see that “Keep him satisfied” tagline and think you must buy the mag to find out how. You read the article and think it’s the best thing you’ve read since that negative sign on your last home pregnancy test; completely ignoring the fact that it’s the same $h!t you read four months ago (just worded differently).

Not to worry though, I am my sister’s keeper just as much as I am my brother’s. I’m going to lay out the cold hard facts about dudes and try to help some of you understand why you can’t keep one around, or at least keep him from running around on you.

A quick head’s up

What a lot of chicks need to understand is that when you have a man you’re entering into a game with every other chick in the world to keep him as YOUR man. You may have put in a lot of work to get him but you can’t allow yourself to slack off on the job just because your Facebook relationship status is set to “is in a relationship with…”. To stay on top, you need to develop the mentality that every other chick in the world is trying to get this dude. This includes your sister, best friend, boss, maid, mother, neighbor’s wife, the bartender at the club, the chick on the cover of Vogue… basically anyone with a vagina.

It’s not that I’m saying he’s going to pack up and run off with them. It’s that he may start seeing qualities and traits in them and start wishing you had/still had them. That may not seem too bad, but if the right chick comes along and she’s maxed out in the areas that you’re lacking in, there’s only one thing coming out of it: YOUR @$$ BEING LEFT!!! Married women aren’t exempt from this either. Any single cougar who’s been left can tell you that.

If you’ve ever been left ESPECIALLY for a chick less attractive than you for what may seem to be “no apparent reason” this post is for you. Chances are you’ve been too busy listening to everything the good folks at Cosmo has to say and ignoring some of the most important yet basic things that matter to guys. I’ll even go as far as asking you to read this article Cosmo has on the matter before reading the rest of this post. If you’ve done everything they’re saying and you still didn’t fit the bill the last guy who dumped you was looking for, you know where to turn . Anyway, here are the top five tips that’ll help prevent you being left from showing up in my FB feed, and me not caring since I knew it was going to happen soon and had $5 riding on it.

PUT OUT!

The days of “holding on to your virginity” and “no sex before marriage” are over just like Whitney Huston’s career. It was part of the agreement we made with chicks when ya’ll were fighting for equal pay in the workplace, the right to wear pants, and the right to take half a guy’s $h!t in the event of a divorce. If you don’t believe me, ask any of the chicks who were a part of the feminist movement of the 80’s and 90’s. Still don’t believe me? Look at the areas and religions of the world who said, “PHUQ NO!” to the marching females with buzz cuts.

History lesson:
In a lot of Middle Eastern areas chicks have few rights or purposes other than to make babies and bake cakes. That may seem shocking or unfair to a lot of women in the Western or modern world. However the tradeoff is that they don’t have to deal with the stress of their man coming home smelling like stale cooch and telling them “Yo things aren’t really working out for us.” He knows that once he took her virginity that that is his cooch and the ONLY cooch he’s going to be banging FOR LIFE since adultery is highly frowned on. In some cultures he may even be castrated.

That’s a messed up contract for a guy to sign because what if it ends up being bad cooch? He’s now stuck with having to work 14 hours a day and come home to a chick who only likes missionary. That’s what he signs up for when he takes a chick’s virginity; a lifetime investment of commitment “until death do us part”. He knows this and is willing to deal with it. When we sat down with the feminists to discuss some of the rights I mentioned above (and others), we said we didn’t want to put up with that “eternal ‘virginity pussy’ contract” and they agreed. Think about that every time you wear a pair of jeans to work while dropping the kids off at daycare or get in free on ladies night.

"C'mon baby. Just the tip"

Sex in a relationship is important to guys. If a guy is not having sex in a relationship when he wants to then he is going to be unhappy. What you need to remember is that guys enjoy the thrill of “the hunt” and there is no poontang like “new poontang”. So while you may be thinking having sex with him once per week is suffice because you have the “must come back”/“he ain’t leaving this” pu$$y, he may start giving the chick at works who keeps flirting with him the time of day. Get this through your heads ladies: “No matter how much you may be or he may say he enjoys fucking you and it’s the best he’s ever had, your pussy ain’t SHIT compared to the pussy of the chick he hasn’t fucked yet!”
Life is a big game of conquest for males. –REAL

This is not to say you should go throw the cooch at the first guy you’ve been crushing on that happens to ask you out and you said “Yes!” to. Chances are he may for be “in it to hit it” and then bounce on you. For that, there is a three month grace period. Look at it as like probation at a job. Use this period to validate his sincerity and worthiness of being your hump buddy. NOT to go stylin’ on your friends that you landed the guy they all thought was hella cute. After three months you should either have sex with him or set him free (it would be in your best interest to do so).

If three months of actually being in a relationship with a guy has passed and you don’t know if you’re going to be having sex with him or not then you’ve just wasted three months of committed time he could have invested elsewhere on some other more deserving chick. If you prolong the relationship after that with no sex then you just asking to be left or cheated on. What makes you “too special” for that to happen to? You’re “new poontang”? Uh uh, so are a couple billion other chicks on the planet.

Don’t be a “hoe”

When I say “hoe”, I don’t mean the chick standing on the corner trying to earn her rent,  money from a random guy. I’m talking about the chick trying to earn that money from her “relationship guy” (did I try too hard there?). If a guy realizes his biggest expense is his chick when he’s a Papa Burger away from being broke, she becomes “the Taxman” to him and not his girlfriend.

Running low on money is a cause of strain on any relationship. It happens all the time especially in your younger years of dating. As a girlfriend, it is your responsibility to understand when your dude is running low on funds and not give him an earful about it. ESPECIALLY if he’s the only one working and your triflin’ @$$ is playing the role of a tick. A lot of girls have the mentality that their BFs should be constantly buying them stuff and keeping them looking pretty which is OK (I guess) if he’s ballin’ like that. If he’s not or isn’t able to anymore then you just need to work with him and what he’s got currently. “For richer or poorer” right?

This is acceptable!

Besides, what happened to all that independence from men you guys had those above mentioned feminists fighting so hard for? Being independent isn’t just being able to pay for your way in to the next all-inclusive party and bug the phuq out when some Destiny’s Child comes on like it’s some great accomplishment. It also entails being able to support yourself or at least pull most of your personal financial weight in a relationship. If that’s not your cup of tea then you need to just play your position as housewife and fulfill all of the duties that comes with.

On a real though, when a guy has to put up with being made to feel like he’s “cheap” or has to sit through another session of you yapping about all the nice things your homegirl gets from her boo, it’ll subconsciously make his eyes start to wonder. Suddenly, that chick at his workplace who keeps flirting with him seems more appealing with each passing day and now that’s two points she has up on you. Love your man and not his bank account. If you can’t do that then you’re not mature enough to deserve and significant other. The only time your boyfriend should play the role of your daddy who spoils you is if he’s your pimp. Then again, REAL pimps don’t spend on hoes so you’re still fresh out of luck. –REAL

Don’t be a nagging bitch

A chick in a relationship’s biggest downfall will be not knowing when to just shut the phuq up. The only thing that needs constant commentary or an opinion is sports. Nagging is something females do best and guys HATE the hell out of it. For a lot of us our first exposure to nagging comes from our mothers and it served the purpose of motivation to get stuff done just so we didn’t have to hear her run her mouth about it. It also served as motivation to move out as soon as fiscally possible. Given that, the last thing we’d want is to move out from her nagging and have you move in with your nagging. SAVE THAT FOR THE KIDS!!!

Chicks nag about everything:
“When are you coming home?”
“Are you playing Call of Duty again?”
“We should go have a picnic in the park.”
“Basketball sucks!”
“I have to strike a match to light this stove when I should be able to just turn the dial.”
“I don’t want to go see a movie unless it’s *insert random chick flick here* even though I’ve been bugging you to go see one and told you you could pick it.”
“When I say ‘bring ice-cream’ you should have known I meant Rocky Road.”
“Remember to clean out the basement tomorrow even though I’ve already reminded you five times since you got home 20 minutes ago.”
“Why don’t you come to bed with me when I’m going to bed? Sure I’m not going to have sex with you but instead sit up and read Twilight until you fall asleep but that doesn’t matter.”
“This steak has meat in it.”

Duct Tape: shutting bitches up since 1926!

Every time you open your mouth to complain or nag about something it drives us to resent you and being with you even more. It will eventually get to a point where just calling his name would result in his brain screaming, “FUCK ME DEAD!!! WHAT DOES THIS BITCH WANT NOW?!” If you’ve ever called your boyfriend and he answers with an exaggerated annoyed “WHAAAAAATTT??!!” or no answer at all (and you know he heard you) then you’re at that point. You’ll probably find that he doesn’t want to spend much time at home anymore. He’ll willingly take on more hours at work or go watch the game over by the guys even though his least favorite team is playing his second least favorite team.

If it’s the ONE night per month you “allow” him to have game night with the guys, the one thing he doesn’t need is a barrage of “Where are you? What are you doing? When are you coming home? I miss you!” calls of texts and he hasn’t been gone a half hour. If he wanted someone “needy” like that in his life he’d get a puppy or move back in with his mother. Then you wonder why you get the feeling his friends don’t like you *sighs*. –REAL

If you do have a valid complaint or grievance then you should voice it. About 95% of guys can understand and live with that. Sometimes you guys complain and nag about petty things so much that you sometimes forget that he has stuff going on in his life too. Even though we may not b!t(h about it, we appreciate a good listener from time to time. Oh well, I guess it’s a good thing we have that flirty chick at work. She always seems to care about what’s going on in our lives…

Take care of yourself; physically

All guys watch porn. One of the unspoken reasons guys watch porn is because porn has chicks in it that you don’t quite measure up to. The guys who don’t watch porn for this reason are the ones currently banging chicks like the chicks in porn. Not every guy can be “that guy” so for that reason we have porn.

While we know that not all the chicks we date can look like the ones in our favorite pornos, it doesn’t hurt to imagine that you are. Sometimes, you guys just make it unbelievably hard to do so. It’s hard to pretend you’re dating Buffy the Body when you know once she turns around all you can think of is Precious.

The chick fat chicks hate on.

OK, I’ll be blunt now. If you’re a fat chick you may be saying your man likes you for who you are and he doesn’t want you to change. That may have some truth in it but what you need to realize is that your man loves you for who you are FOR NOW! What I mean is if a skinnier (hotter) version of you comes along with your exact personality traits who do you think he’d rather be banging? The reality of the situation is that your personality can only take you so far.

The fat chicks in relationships are constantly in denial about this, but the single ones all know what’s up. That’s why they preach the messages of “Fuck them skinny bitches!” and “Skinny girls are for wimps!” (and whatever else fat chicks say nowadays). Unless the guys really really REALLY (can’t stress this enough) has a thing for fat chicks, he’s going to keep going at your skinnier friends EVERY SINGLE TIME… well unless he’s on a drought and he feels you’re an easier lay. If you however do land him as your hubby, you need to start being proactive about putting down the chocolate bar, picking up smaller portions of (healthier) food, and even hitting up the gym. “Them skinny bitches” are on the prowl yo and no one wants to prove you don’t deserve to have your man more than them. Are you really going to let them win and just lay there growing stretch marks?

It’s cool if some of you don’t want to listen to me and try to feed me that “I am who I am so don’t try to change me” crap but like I said earlier I’m just trying to look out for all my homegirls. If you’re offended by this then go grab some “comfort food”, watch lifetime and feel sorry for yourself for another six hours. That chick that works with your boyfriend who already has three points up on you will only be heading out for a jog.

Have Trust

More of this guys!

The single “end all” most important thing required to keep your man. Nothing will send your man running off into the arms of another (chick) faster than a lack of trust. Your trust is the thing we value most in a relationship. A guy will lose sleep and live life walking on eggshells if he feels he doesn’t have your trust. I don’t even think I need to offer an explanation for this other than, “He’s your man so just fucking trust him!”

The last thing a good guy needs is to have a girlfriend who is constantly on his back about other chicks. That includes saying stuff like, “It’s not you I don’t trust; it’s those other chicks.” You don’t need to worry about anything “those other chicks” may do or say if you genuinely trust your man because it’ll all come down to HIS reaction to those things. You’re in a relationship with him; not them. There are countless times I’ve seen chicks push the good guy they have been b!t(hing for all their life away because of a lack of trust. Think of it like this:
“Lack of trust” == “Stress” == “Nagging” == “Straw that breaks the camel’s back and causes him to leave you for that chick he works with who has four points up on you”.

As I said in the “Do White Girls make Better Girlfriends” post (I think), I’ve probably only dated one chick who I think actually genuinely trusted me. The other relationships felt like an unending battle to prove that I wasn’t messing with other chicks. I remember getting to a point where I thought, “Fuck it! Maybe I should just go bang one of these other chicks so tomorrow when she starts up about it again (which I know she will) I can say, ‘Yeah and so what? You happy now?’” Believe it or not, that’s the point a lot of guys come to and it’s where you do not want a guy you’re dating to ever reach.

All that said, as a chick you also need to know when to leave a guy. Your trust is a very valuable thing and you can’t afford to be giving it away to just any person. The same scrutiny you used to decide who you’ll lose your virginity to is the same scrutiny you should use to decide who you invest your trust in. After you’ve had your hymen ripped to shreds, your trust is the last thing you’ve got. PLEASE care for it!

The moment you’re in a relationship where you have to VALIDLY second guess every action your man takes, you need to talk to him and voice your concerns. If things aren’t getting any better or he starts being a cunt about it, then you should leave. Having to shed tears because of a guy benefits no one except maybe his ego because he then get’s to say to his homies, “Yo I had that bitch crying and shit over me son!” Don’t be “that chick”.

You know, I’ll probably do that post on letting go and why some chicks can’t next week… Hmmm…

Back on the case of Cosmo

Errr, well no not really. I think I’ve promoted them enough for one post. As with everything I say ladies, take it with a grain of salt. I’d hate to have to laugh at any of you who have turned into anorexic pushovers who phuq on the first date to *insert a random Chinese restaurant’s name here*. There are indeed no set guidelines to keeping your man since every guy and how he thinks is unique. I will go out on a limb and say that this is the best advice you’ll ever get on the matter compared to what you’ll read in some “help” article of a magazine. *points up*

Aight, I’ll quit blowing my own horn now. You know on second thought, disregard anything I’ve said here. I just remembered the world needs more single chicks and lesbians to mack on. Who needs men anyway? ^_^

Update 2/26/2011:
I’ve been somewhat collecting some smack talk on FB about this post and I guess the masses have spoken and decided they want a “How to REALLY keep your woman” post. Unfortunately I’m not in the position to compose such a post so I’m reaching out to one of you ladies to be the author of one and get in contact with me to have it published. I honestly would be quite interested in seeing what you guys have to say on the matter as I’m sure a lot of other guys would. Is there one amongst you brave enough to create such a REAL post? Drop me a line at:

I’m looking forward to those responses.