If I Were A Chick I’d:

…let a guy wait six months into a relationship before giving him any poontang, but still talk madd $h!t about my sex game knowing full well that it’s lame as phuq. Then on top of that, I’d expect him to be faithful because having him wait that long makes the pu$$y more meaningful to him.

"Who run the world?"

…do “empowering” things like have sex with a bunch of guys because it’s OK when men do it. Then when I hear Maury say, “You are not the father!” 13 times on the same show I’d cry and want people to feel sorry for me.

…think I was right all the time and when an argument discussion is CLEARLY not going my way I’d bring up some $h!t that is totally irrelevant to what was being talked about in the first place.

…see other chicks I’ve never seen before or even know about and just hate them for no reason. This hatred for chicks I don’t know is especially enforced when one of my homegirls doesn’t like her; REGARDLESS of the reason.

…ignore the phuq out of the dude who’s everything I want in a guy and go after the dude who I KNOW is going to phuq me up because my heart is the Humane Society for “broken” dudes and believe that I can “fix” them all.

…only be attracted to a dude when he gets a woman despite the fact that he’s been trying to mack me for the last two years. I don’t know, I guess it’s something about phuq-ing someone else’s dude and sending him back to her that gives me a rush. However, the moment a guy does me dirty all men suddenly become dogs; completely ignoring the fact that I’m a home wrecking BITCH! *woof woof*

…open my pie hole about women’s rights and wanting to be treated equally anywhere it’s advantageous to me, but the second a bunch of us need to be rescued from a burning building it’s, “women and children first”.

…demand to earn the same amount of money as men but when it comes to going out, he’s EXPECTED to pay for everything and I’m oblivious to the fact that maybe this is why men get paid more.

…go to my girlfriends about an issue in my relationship BEFORE speaking to my significant other first about it. Nah scratch that; I ain’t telling him $hit. He’s SUPPOSED to know when something is wrong with me and what it is.

…dress like a slut when I go out but mean mug every guy that looks at me with lust.

…tell my boyfriend I’d never go to “such a place” or “do such a thing” but the moment the girls want to, I’m all up on it without missing a beat.

…tell a guy to “man up” when I’m calling him out on something but then to “bitch down” when he’s attempting to call me out.

…honestly think being a mother is the hardest job on the planet ESPECIALLY if I was a stay at home mom.

…be quick to key a guy’s car, swing a heated iron at his face, slap him, chase him with a golf club, etc. and expect everything to be cool, but the moment he raises his voice and grabs my wrist too firmly, I’m calling the police.

…still find a reason to nag and complain if all I had to do all day was wake up late and spend my husband’s money.

…curse Hard Knaxx’s “KFC” song and say it’s degrading to women, but sing every slut inspired word of that song about taking a picture of me having sex with your man in your bed and sending it to you via BBM.

…only know (and live) the words to Destiny’s Child’s “Independent Women” when I’m not broke. As soon as it comes on in the club and I know I’m “drink hounding” guys, I’ll be one of the quiet murmuring b!t(he$ at the side nodding my head to the beat with an uneasy smile. I know next week when I get paid, Imma be in the middle of the dance floor acting like I didn’t have parents if it comes on. For now, Imma just stick close to Jamal…

…think that every guy I meet would pick “my vagina” over “winning the lottery” even if I know my face looks like a broken Vita Malt bottle.

…ask a guy a question seeking the truth with my own preconceived version of what the truth is. Anything he says to me that doesn’t match that WORD FOR WORD is considered a blatant lie… even if he is telling the truth.

…think a fulfilling marriage ends in divorce, no kids, and half his Sh!t.

…consider it a “wasted” period if I don’t lash out at someone for no apparent reason when I’m on the rag and then use that as an excuse for doing so.

…throw a fit if a guy lied and told me he was sick when he actually went out with the guys, but be cool with waiting 18 years to tell a guy he’s not really the dad.

…ask questions with obvious answers that I don’t want to hear but ask them anyway expecting to hear something else; AND get upset when I don’t. “You’re not fat baby; you’re just a slim hippo.”

…constantly pat myself on the back and praise all of my achievements, but find some way to blame men for my shortcomings. “It had to have been a man who invented a jar of pickles.”

…only see the “wrong” in a situation when it’s happening to me and my man, and not when I’m doing it to someone else’s man.

…always be the phuq-ing victim in EVERY situation just like the chicks in every frigging Lifetime movie.

…make the first thing I have to say about a guy I once had relations (that went sour) with is either that his penis was small, he came “quickly”, or he was (probably) gay.

…actually think women’s sports are exciting and entertaining.

…never become the Prime Minister of Antigua & Barbuda (or the P.M. of most other countries for that matter).

…only see the above as a sexist and oppressive comment and not see it as an opportunity to use it as motivation and prove a seemingly sexist and oppressive male hiding behind a computer screen wrong.

*wonders if the guys have any others up their sleeves*