Stuff this generation of fathers should tell their future sons

After reading over last week’s post about the extremist dad his “unwanted” daughter, I started thinking about myself and when I eventually become a father. I envision ideally having two sons (or at least the first one being a son) and I am very much looking forward to that. Probably mainly because of the “wealth of knowledge” I have about being a dude and growing up and I’m excited to pass it on… kind of like a porn archive. Don’t judge me!

"Trust me kid: the better looking twin is always the one who puts out!"

Between the ages of 10 and 20, I’ve done, realized, learned from, and regretted doing a lot of $h!t. Making mistakes was a big part of that but there were mistakes I wished I didn’t have to make. The pops was there to tell me the basic stuff like “wear condoms” but he never told me that I should always keep some “just in case” emergency contraceptives around in the event that a condom broke at 3am and Ceco Pharmacy was closed. It’s the little but HELLA IMPORTANT things like that that get overlooked so often.

I really think it was a generational thing. The way persons interact with each other and the stuff we have access to now is COMPLETELY different when compared to back in my pop’s day. I’m of the belief that his generation’s knowledgebase has expired, and most of them have not bothered to update it. That’s not exactly a good thing if you REALLY want to fulfill your fatherly obligation to your son to “always provide MANswers for all of life’s questions and situations”.

Long story cut short, I’ve created a short list *looks around because he used that word* of a few things that all dudes who became/will be becoming fathers between the years of 2005-2025 (tentatively) should tell their sons. From dating and scoring chicks, to sex and masturbation; having this info should ease a considerable amount of pressure off of the lil’ homie because we know male adolescence is ROUGH. Since he’s a dude, he’s not going to be on the “just bleed and grow tits” easy-train in life so he’s going to need all the help he can get dad! Read on lads…

From father to son:

Lesson one:

Nice guys finish last and the @$$holes get the most pu$$y. When you’re coming up, you’ve got to make a decision on how you’re going to relate to chicks; “be a nice guy” or “be an asshole”. Nice guys get a good rep with the hunnies and will have a lot of chick friends because they’re nice and respectful and all that gay stuff chicks babble about they want in a guy. However, since the female’s vagina is vile and disparaging creature of irrational thinking, they would quicker destroy someone else’s happy home than to “mess up a friendship”. I don’t get it either…

Yeah, “good guys” don’t get the pu$$y. They get the hugs, smiley faces, pep talks, and hookups with the fat friends who have nice personalities since they (the good guys) deserve better than a shallow board with good looks. The icing on the cake is the late night “I can’t believe he cheated on me” phonecalls despite her going through that with him twice before already… but hey! At the end of the day you’ll have her respect so if that’s your mission in life then you’re good to go.

On the flip side, the @$$holes get AAAAALLLLLLLLLLL the pu$$y! It’s like nothing makes a chick’s cooch get wetter than a guy ignoring, lying, cheating, disrespecting/being rude to her, etc. Basically, the more of the stuff he does that she doesn’t like the more she wants to throw the cooch at him. If you can build up your rep to be known as a womanizing manwhore, that’ll only increase your “pussy weight” as Uncle WeASeL would call it. Sure, it doesn’t make sense, but women don’t know what they want and once to adopt that mentality, then the whole thing starts to make sense.

Personally son, I’d advise you respect them and all the jazz all the days of your life, but if you set a goal of having a body count of 300 by the age of 21, you sure as phuq aren’t going to get there by opening doors, telling the truth, and being faithful. –REAL

Lesson two:

At some point in your pre-“banging chicks on a regular” life, your homies and you will get bored with sticking your d!(k into your hand and imagining it’s a cooch and resort to thinking up other methods that you’ll imagine feels just like one. Feel free to experiment with the hole in the pillow, couch, cushion, sister’s teddy bear, birthday cake, watermelon cut in half, pile of clothes… WHATEVER!!! If there isn’t a hole already there, then go right ahead and make one. Whatever you decide to do though, PLEASE do not listen to the guy who has the bright idea to get a roll of toilet paper, put it under the cushion for the couch, lube up your d!(k with lotion or dish washing liquid, and apply pressure as needed to the top of the cushion while phuq-ing the roll to help simulate a cooch.

The only experience you’re going to get out of that are “blisters”, and if you used dish soap as lube you’re going to have BURNING blisters. The thing about burning blisters with dish soap is that after you’re done washing the soap out of your wounds, you have to deal with the burning from water going into them. Look, if you really want to stick your Johnson in something that feels real since you can’t wait for some chick to “put out”, the closest thing you’ll find will be a lukewarm deep dish apple pie (no other kind BUT apple). Don’t ask me how I know this; I’m just giving you the information you need.

Lesson three:

Speaking of masturbation and lubrication, you’re going to get all sorts of suggestions for lube especially for use in the shower. Some work surprisingly well while others may seem like a good idea but have horrific consequences. Here are a couple that don’t work:

• Water (blisters)
• Hand soap (BURNING blisters)
• Dish washing liquid/dish soap (ANNOYING BURNING blisters)
• Tooth paste (leaves you smelling “minty fresh” though)
• Lotion (if you have my genes your skin absorbs it too quickly)
• Jelly/jam (gets sticky and leads to friction which leads to blisters)
• Engine oil or WD40 (don’t ask, just don’t do it)

As for stuff that does work, we’ve got:

• Hand soap (OK, Dove soaps are the ONLY ones that appear to work)
• Shampoo/conditioner
• KY Jelly
• Pink Oil moisturizer
• Aloe (don’t ask)
• Cooking oil (don’t ask)
• The stuff in the third step of a Proactiv application that comes in the short white bottle (the repairing lotion I think; don’t ask)
• Aviation grease (REALLY don’t ask)

Lesson four:

You’ll have no d!(k control until you hit your 20’s. Until then, you’re going to be getting an erection from the slightest thing like a girl smiling at you or seeing a leaf drop [spoke about that in this post]. You’re going to make many attempts at finding methods of mask them (and fail miserably) so I’ll save you the time and possible embarrassment and let you know that no method works better than the “dick tuck”.

The technique is pretty simple: point your erect penis upwards and under the waist band for your underwear. As long as your shirt doesn’t go up and expose your “head” peeping over, then no one will ever know you had an erection in the first place. This especially comes in handy when that chick you like does something stupid like reach for something at the same time as you and ends up touching your hand.

Keep practicing and eventually you’ll get so good at it that you’ll be able to do it from a sitting position without actually having to touch your d!(k. May not seem like anything too important to learn but by age 16 you’ll be glad for this. You can thank your Uncle Pringle for passing this one on.

Lesson five:

"That was ma girl dawg!"

There are going to be times when you and your homies start liking the same chicks and even banging them. The proper course of action while banging the same chicks is to not get into a relationship with them. This prevents you from breaking “the Guy Code” and being a cockblock to your homie, and it also saves you from dealing with “dating a hoe” and the heartache associated with it (like your homie having to say “FUCK YOU!!!” and continue banging her anyway). The bigger picture of this lesson is that if a dude bangs your chick, you should NEVER get upset with the dude (or be more upset with him than the chick).

Even if it’s your brother, homie from diaper days, father, cousin, etc., you don’t ever get mad or go after the dude (even if you don’t know him. The main point here is there you are dating the CHICK; not the guy). Sure you may be upset that your homeboy that you considered your brother banged your chick, but what dude do you know is going to turn down poon from a chick they’ve wanted to bang? If anything, you should just respect his “gangsta” and go after the common denominator of both of your problems: the chick.

No, I’m not saying you go kick her @$$ or anything, but she’s the one you should be upset with the most. Homies and family members who stop talking because one of them banged the other one’s chick are pathetic.

P.S.: WeASeL, don’t bother saying a damn thing in those comments about this, LOL

Lesson six:

Befriend as many as you can and don’t count chicks out! When I made the jump from primary to secondary school, chicks were the grossest things in the world to me so I only really kept in touch with my homies. Two years and a developing sex dive later, chicks were more sought after than Pokemon trading cards. It was rough starting out macking on chicks because I was attending a school with all dudes and I had already set myself back two years with “talking” to chicks.

Added to that, the chicks I used to “count out” and overlook in primary school were growing into their big heads and huge teeth and were now sprouting tits. The messed up thing was that they also remembered every mean thing that anyone had ever done or said to them so now it was coming around to bite in me in @$$ (no homo). If only their natural drive to be attracted to @$$holes had kicked in before puberty. *sighs*

Lesson seven:

Speaking of chicks growing into their looks, you need to be wary of the phenomenon where the “hottie” scale gets inverted. This is probably the most important lesson any father of this day can pass on to his son so that he may start getting his ducks in a line early. To sum it up in a sentence, the lesson here is “Get them while they’re young because when they get older they just stop trying”.

*pauses talking to his son for a second and talks to everyone else*

Aight, let’s be REAL for a second guys. We’ve all seen this occurrence before. The chicks who were hott back in our school days just do a complete “360” about five years after graduation. For me, I left for college for a couple of years and I came back and they were all fat, pregnant, or looking like they were on drugs and just stopped caring. It’s something the guys and I talk about all the time and I’ve a whole bunch of names on the side from when we were creating “the List” buuutt, I’m going to keep that within our circle.

"No really, this happened to me overnight..."

The thing is a lot of people couldn’t understand how that happened. “Tammy so does look criss no joke a breed for the drugs man that a tump in she face a night time.” (Tammy who used to be really hott is having a baby for that drug dealer dude who beats her at night) and “Rhonda so min go in fu queen da time and win out tap dey and a get fat no wah. (Rhonda who once won the Carnival Queen show is now fat as phuq) are things said about these chicks on a regular basis. The conclusion I’ve come to is that because of their looks, they had life handed to them too easily (mainly socially) and got too comfortable so they just let themselves go.

*tries to resist the BURNING urge to name three chicks right now*

No look at it: when they were leaving high school they were hott as hell and so guys (*cough*bitch niggas*cough*) were just flocking towards them trying to pamper them and cater to their every need. The dudes they were messing with now all drove so they didn’t need to walk anywhere. They don’t play sports or work out anymore because “top tier hott chicks don’t sweat” and they basically start thinking that their only purpose in life is to look good and be worshipped.

That mentality ignites laziness and a lack of ambition. You can see evidence of this in a lot of these girls with a pretty smile who just sit back and say, “Fuck it; Imma be a model”, take some pictures, have some lamebrain with Photoshop blur the $h!t out of their skin, post them on Facebook, and sit back and wait for like some magical phuq-ing “dream granting” unicorn sprinkled in pixie dust to come along to make life perfect. They make up some of the jobless mofos who sit at home and complain all day about being broke but are apparently “too good” to work at “certain places”. Did I mention that education takes a back seat with them as well?

A typical day for them involves lazing around at home “looking pretty” and calling mommy/daddy/some dude to bring them something or take them somewhere. That laziness or lack of ambition usually leads to them either getting fat or pregnant for some dude who was “ballin’”(legit or not) at the time… or both. I could be wrong but that’s my hypothesis. *Kanye Shrug*

On the flip side however, the once “extra regular” looking chick took the time to take care of herself and perused an education and again I could be wrong, but for some reason this causes some weird genetic chain reaction that makes them become more physically attractive. I don’t know how it works but it just does. We need to invest research dollars in a study of this and not stupid $h!t like “Do woodpeckers get headaches?”

*unpause*

What I’m saying lil’ homie is that the chicks you find hott now won’t be hott forever forever. Your main goal now of course is to try and bang as many of them as you can but don’t completely brush aside the other chicks who haven’t grown boobs yet. They tend to be the ones who blossom into the most beautiful of flowers and prime “wifey” material, so you should give them a chance. With that in mind though also try not to jump the gun on a blossom because if she was a “wooden club” when you met her, there’s still that 86% chance she’ll remain one 20 years from now.