The Guy Code: Pick your balls up gentlemen

He looked down at his watch for about the 10^th time within the minute and it was STILL 11:58am. It’s funny how the longest two minutes of life always seem to be the two minutes before lunch. Looking around the room at the sea of “white dress shirts and khakis”, he could tell by their body language that everyone was thinking the same thing: “Will this bitch EVER shut the fuck up?!”

After countless hours of studying, stress, and taking exams, being a student at the nation’s most respected school wasn’t showing signs of being all it was cracked up to be. His thoughts were interrupted by the thunderous rumblings of his stomach and the aromas coming from Marcia’s cook shop were making things worse. UGH! Still 11:58am…

“OK, the gameplan is to get fries and a snow cone from Roots, then head by Marcia for wings, then to the Guyanese woman by the road for polori, and then hopefully make it to the cafeteria in time to get a Vita Malt before the bell rang.”

"GET IN MY BELLY!!!"

That sounded like a lot for a 20 minute lunch interval and it sounded like a lot of ground to cover as well. However, for the quiet, short, fat kid sitting at the back of the class, this was the sacrifice he had to make in order to maintain his “totally sweet buff” body.
These were my early days as a Grammarian.

As soon as class ended I raced towards Roots as fast as my legs would allow. I hadn’t been in school for more than three weeks so I didn’t know anyone, but I knew that the other short fat kids were going to be dashing to get there first and I needed to beat them. As I rounded the corner by the 5^th form building, I saw the crowd had already assembled around the lunch truck and I was yet again defeated. DAMNIT!!!

While waiting for my order I started thinking that I needed to hurry in order to complete my lunch schedule. As soon as my food was ready, I dropped the money into the guy’s hand, grabbed my stuff, and spun around to run off to Marcia’s. I took about two steps before walking right into a brick wall and stumbling back.

I looked up and realized that the brick wall I had bumped into was actually a senior student who attended the school across the road from ours. I apologized and looked to walk by him on my way to Marcia’s. When I was just in front of him looking to get by, he pushed the fries I had back into my chest. The force of this action sent me stumbling to the ground with both my ketchup drenched fries and snow cone spilling all over me.

As I looked down at my soiled uniform, I became enraged and wanted to kick the crap out of this guy. It’s weird how much bigger they always appear when you’re on the ground and they’re standing over you with a grimacing look and their homies laughing in the back. The thought of seriously getting my @$$ kicked kept me on the ground and unwilling to get up too soon. At that point, it probably made more sense to me to just sit there doing nothing, and he’ll go away and be out of my hair sooner the longer I did that.

I looked behind me towards the 5^th form classroom to try to get an idea of how many people were laughing at me but they were all just standing there looking at me. I found that odd but thought it was probably a “shame tactic” they used to make people they didn’t think highly of feel bad. As I was about to turn around and ask God to please end my misery with a bolt of lightning, one of the 5^th formers gave me a very familiar nod. Being from Ovals, I recognized this nod to mean “Shit’s about to go down, but I’ve got your back.” This would have been cool and all if it was coming from one of the homies, but I didn’t know this guy. As far as I was concerned he was trying to set me up.

I gave him a puzzled look and he and a bunch of his peeps gave me “the nod” this time. Against the better judgment of my low self esteem, I jumped up to my feet and ran towards my offender. I two handed “punch-pushed” him in the stomach and yelled, “YO WA DA FUCK BOSS??!!!” (What the fuck yo?) in the most angry of tones my pre-pubescent voice would allow. After doing this, I closed my eyes waiting to take a punch like a champ from the guy. I slowly started to open them only to realize that all the members present from my school in higher forms had rushed the guy and his friends and were kicking the $h!t out of them.

After the teachers and “whoever else” broke up the scrap, the dude who gave me the nod initially walked by me and said something like, “Anytime we’re around, nobody from any other school can mess with you. That’s just how it is.” I kind of stood there for a minute trying to make sense of the whole incident. Little did I know that I had just had my first real encounter with the “guy code” (or at least a section of it) and that I would spend the next few years learning and practicing it.

READ IT!

Chicks are the biggest doubters of the guy code and most of them will flat out tell you it doesn’t exist. I honestly can’t blame them for feeling that way because we as dudes have been allowing ourselves to live life not upholding our code and thus feeding this mentality. Guys today have been abandoning our “code” at an alarming rate much to my dismay and the dismay of other guys who make it their business to abide by it on a day to day basis.

For whatever their reasons for seemingly disregarding it, I for one refuse to give up on my brothers. Some may just need a gentle nudge (no homo) in the right direction or a complete overhaul, but as my “brother’s keeper” I’m obligated to help in such matters in any way that I can. It is for this reason I now present a little refresher course on the Guy Code.

The importance of the Guy Code

The other day I signed into FB and I saw one of my good homies with the following status:

“A real man defines himself not by a ‘guy code’ or by societies abase expectations of him, but by using positive thoughts and actions to bear fruit for a better future”. -DS

The first feeling to come over me when I read this was utter shock. Wasn’t “abase” a verb and not an adjective? The second feeling was one soaked in slight disapproval. While I do get what he was trying to say, I just think he went about constructing the statement in the wrong way. Peep this…

Guy Code (n): An unwritten code of ethics practiced by REAL men which governs the way in which they interact with each other on various social levels.
-Beef Pattie definition

The Guy Code doesn’t define who you are as a person; YOU do. What the Guy Code does is aid you in being accepted into any group of guys you may come across by illustrating the type of behavior that is universally accepted and expected by men. You may want to say that sounds gay but the final result of doing this is scoring chicks.

Let’s say you travel quite a bit. A dude who practices the Guy Code would be more socially accepted by the dudes in the new country/area since to them he’ll just be “one of the guys”; only that they just recently met him. If you’re a douche on the other hand, besides possibly getting your @$$ kicked you’re actually setting yourself back with the hunnies. Sure, you don’t necessarily NEED guys to help pick up chicks, but they are an often overlooked asset.

For every one dude friend I have, I possibly have three chick friends. If I were to trace back how I met/got introduced to all of these chicks, 90%+ of the times it would be because of some guy. I mean, it only takes one guy to invite you to that one party where you met Karen, who introduced you to Erin two months later, who introduced you to Molly, who introduced you to Tiffany’s mom who gave you that summer job during college, who introduced you to her daughter that ended up being an undercover freak, who “introduced” you to her HELLA HOTT girlfriend and your very first threesome. You see how this works?

Being the douche puts you at “arms length” of the guys but you can still pick up chicks on your own. In fact, it may even be a bit easier for you initially because your situation will play into the female’s natural instinct to distribute sympathy. “Awww!!! Those asshole guys don’t want you in their friend circle? That’s ok, come meet my hott friends Nadine, Stephanie, and Ashley. We can all be ‘besties’!”

Any REAL man knows that if you’re interested in banging, that term “besties” is the absolute LAST thing you want to hear being tossed around in reference to you. –REAL

"You ain't getting SHIT son!!!"

So Nadine, Steph, and Ash all accept you into their circle and introduce you to their other hott friends and you all hang out often. Everything is going fine until the playoffs for the sport you like starts and you have no one to argue or have a game day pizza party with. When “girls night out” comes along on the weekend, you’re up Shit’s Creek with a fork for a paddle. The guys your “besties” like (because they sure as Hell won’t see you in “that light”) will be having a huge party and they don’t want you at their spot because you a douche and you better believe your “besties” will go without you. The negatives will just keep piling up…

Soon you’ll be hanging out with/around chicks so much that your nights and weekends are spent doing nails, talking about boys, reading Cosmo, and attending Gossip Girls or Jersey Shore parties. Even you will probably start questioning your own sexuality. The messed up part is that chicks are 10 times less likely to call you out on having gay tendencies so you’ll be turning into a fag without even knowing it and your “besties” will be helping you every single step of the way. How cute! *hugs, hearts, kisses, doodles, smiley faces*

*note: the word “fag” is only being used here to express a tone of “Macho-ism” and not because I promote its use as a derogatory term for homosexual males*

At the off chance that one of them is a “slut” (by society’s definition and NOT mine; see this post) you may get to bang her. However, since “besties don’t sleep with besties” or with a dude one of their besties already got with, that’s probably the end of the line for you in that department. So now you’re up 20 chicks on the dude following the Guy Code but you can’t do anything with it. What’s more ironic is that these same chicks who cursed “the guys” for shunning you will still end up actively pursuing these same “assholes”.

Remember, the “Prime Directive” of all guys is to EFFECTIVELY score chicks. -REAL

Side note: the Chick Code

There is no “chick code” because females just don’t know how to act when it comes to cooperation (unless it’s the fight against/down some dude). Women instinctively look out for themselves first when it comes to most social matters and it’s for this reason that they can’t trust each other or uphold a “code” of any kind; and they ALL know this. The same chick who’d be telling you (a chick) that you’re “besties” would be the same one screaming at you, “Next time step your pussy game up bitch!” from the front seat of your (ex?) man’s ride while they drive off into the sunset.

Rules of engagement

As I sort of mentioned earlier, I attended an all dudes secondary school (Antigua Grammar School). Our eternal rival was the other all dudes school; the St. Joseph’s Academy. Despite our rivalry, we had a deep rooted understanding and respect for each other even though it was probably not ever vocalized.

For most of us, we got five or more solid years of being molded into great men and learning life lessons rather than an actual education. It just so happened that a lot of us got passing grades while doing this. That’s not to say that guys from the co-ed schools weren’t outstanding characters as well. It’s just that I hold Grammarians and *insert whatever dudes from SJA are called here* in a higher light when it comes to the Guy Code and therefore expect better from them since every day of our secondary education was spent learning about and practicing it.

The Guy Code has many rules and subsections for said rules. It’s kind of insane to try and keep up with and list them all. For guys, it SHOULD be something that you “just know”. No guy has ever had to have been sat down and have the Guy Code explained to him. That said, I will list the ones that a majority of guys value the most and are unfortunately quite often ignored forgotten by a lot of us.

The “one over” rule

This applies to standing, seating, and ESPECIALLY urinal selection. It basically states that in all activities (with the exception of sports), two guys should always have at least a space big enough to fit one more person between them at all times unless it can be clearly proven that it was unavoidable.

Standing example
If you’re in a line with a dude in front of you and taking a single step forward will cause your meat package to even graze his bum, then you are standing too close!!!

Sitting example
If you go to the cinema with your homies or meet one/them there, you do not sit in the seat next to them when there are clearly other seats in the cinema; ESPECIALLY those next to chicks. This goes double for taking the seat between two guys since it equates on the “Gay Scale” to sitting on a dude’s lap. Guy Code laws dictate that if you go to the movies with a group (including your chick), you should have her sit in a seat that makes it possible for a dude in the group who came without a chick to sit next to her in order to help decrease the chances of two dudes sitting together. Do your part homie and have her raise up off the aisle seat! *dying with laughter from typing that*

Urinal example

The rule shines in all its glory here. Two guys should NEVER use the urinals right next to each other. Let’s say a bathroom has five urinals… Proper etiquette dictates that the urinal furthest away from the hand basins (urinal 1) is to be occupied first followed by the one furthest away from that (urinal 5) followed by the one which creates equal distance between the two already occupied (urinal 3).

DO NOT take the middle one!!!

To promote maximum efficiency and minimal gayness, urinals with even numbers are NEVER to be used with the exception being if the last urinal has one (like if there was a urinal 6). In our five urinal example, if the first user uses urinal 2, that only leaves urinal 4 open for use and a maximum capacity of two. In our first example, the urinals would have been able to accommodate up to three persons!

Since we’re on the topic of urinal gayness, when using the urinal, conversation is strictly prohibited. Conversation in the male restroom is only permitted by persons who are washing their hands and are looking to be on their way out. Also it is imperative for your main field of vision to remain within a span equal to “shoulder length” though you may look straight up and down as much as you’d like.

Being gay

Probably a few years ago it was generally rebuked but as times have progressed, the Man Code has done so too to allow a certain bit of tolerance. The law is if you are indeed gay (even if you still like chicks, once you’re a butt pirate to anyone other than wenches you are deemed “gay”) you should declare this to the other guys. There is nothing worse than an “undercover” brother since it is seen as a betrayal of trust which is one of the main things the code is built upon. Once you are straight up with them and continue to abide by the core rules of the code they should in turn accept you for the “new” you. However, be prepared for a possible onslaught of gay jokes which you are expected to take like a man (no homo/no pun intended) and not whine about it like a little girl. If you hide it and you get found out, it’ll only be a looooooot worse for you.

For the rest of us left being straight, here are a few things that are prohibited by the Man Code:

• Crying because of a movie
• Saying that a guy hurt your feelings
• Getting upset because a guy didn’t remember your birthday
• Telling another guy his fly was open (Why were your eyes there in the first place?)
• Complimenting a guy’s body directly (Jokingly asking him what type of steroids he’s on is always acceptable)
• Hugging with two hands for more than one second (Family and VERY CLOSE homies you haven’t seen for over two years are the exception, but no two hand hug should last more than five seconds)
• Holding hands
• Counteracting a gay joke with another gay joke
• Using the word “handsome” (Since it’s an adjective use to compliment a male’s facial features. In your mind, all guys should be deemed “ugly” and if asked the only accepted response other than that is “I don’t watch guys!” Any hesitation taken at all to even answer the question is a sign of gayness since you actually took time out of you day to think about another dude and how he looked.)
• Calling a dude past 10pm “just because”
• Walking down the road with a hott chick and leaving her behind/across the road to go strike up a conversation with some homies. The reason for this is because you leaving a hott chick behind to go talk to dudes makes it seem that dudes are a higher priority to you than chicks. This then leads to “gayness by association” since the group is entertaining a conversation with the “gay” guy. The correct course of action would be to nod and keep walking (the guys’ll understand) or bring the chick over to the conversation and introduce her. The exception to this is if the chick being left behind is a “cow” .
• Regularly using words like “lilac, saffron, and celadon” instead of “purple, orange, and green” (ALL colors can be narrowed down/rounded off to one of the “regular” colors like “red, yellow, blue, brown, etc.”)

Be your brother’s keeper

This is probably the second most important rule and it covers about 35% of what the Guy Code stands for. While you may freely choose to not abide when it comes to other dudes but once it’s your homies you are almost contractually obligated. Sure, you may find yourself in compromising or unfavorable situations because of this, but at the end of the day it’s all about taking one for the team (ESPECIALLY if it’s for poontang) and knowing that you have your homie’s respect.

Story of a TRUE wingman
I had this homie in Canada who I went out with to mack on chicks all the time. Where ever they were, we made sure we were there too and we would create the most lame but surprisingly successful schemes to pick up chicks. Even if we weren’t successful, we always at least got a huge laugh out of it. We had a weird symbiotic relationship when it came to being each other’s wingman and were always thinking on the same wavelength.

One night we were at this bar and I spotted the most beautiful girl of life (at that time). I pointed her out to him and then moved in for the kill. On walking over and introducing myself to her, I realized she had a bridge troll for a cockblocking best friend chained to her ankles.

The thing with hott chicks is that sometimes they bring these ogres with an attitude with them to act as cockblockers for guys they don’t really want hitting on them. While that is cool, it gets messed up because these chicks do their job (too) well and seldom realize when their services are no longer needed. Soon you’ll realize that you’re doing more talking to Trundle because of her 21 questions, scoffs, and snide remarks than you are to the fair maiden whose hand you’re trying to win. While I had experience with dealing with them, this one was more of a Mrs. Hyde than anything else and I was going to need some help. Now queue some theme music and the entrance of my wingman.

"FOR NARNIAAAA!!!!"

He came over with all the suaveness in the world and hit this chick up with the cheesiest of lines in the book. Then he asked her if she minded going to the outside lounge area where it was quieter so they can “get to know each other better”. Suddenly her personality moved away from “Gargamel” to “Belle” as she giggled and blushed her way outside with him. I was now free to make my move.

About 20 minutes later they came back inside and she (Trogdor) told her friend that my wingman was driving her home. He didn’t speak to me of course because we were playing it like we didn’t know each other for this to work, but I knew exactly what had happened. You see, things kind of backfired on him with telling that chick all the things she wanted to hear in order to get her away from me because now she wanted to phuq. He could have just bailed on the plan and sent her careening back to even more spitefully cockblocking me but he stuck with it.

About a half hour later while my new friend and I were looking to leave, I got a text from him saying, “You better be getting prime fucking pussy from that chick because I’m over here naked with the fucking Hulk trying to explain why my dick won’t go up!” I never laughed so much in my life. The next day we filled each other in on the details of the night (he had quite an amazing story that I’ll probably tell sometime in another post) and despite laughing at him for like two weeks straight, the level of respect and appreciation I had for him (no homo) was at an all time high. He caught the only grenade any man should ever catch for any person.

Being a good wingman for you homies isn’t the only thing you should do in order to be your brother’s keeper. Here are a couple others that should be considered:

• When a homie’s significant other asks you a question where the answer may incriminate him, you are expected to lie or give a more favorable response than the WHOLE truth. You are then expected to make him aware of the question posed and answer given so that he may have a synchronizing story.
• If your homie is “wasting” mack, money, or feelings on a chick who is deemed (by his standards) to be a slut or may have a known STI on her record, it is your duty to let your homie know.
• If your homie’s chick is cheating on him and you find out you have to let him know. If his chick tries to offer you a bribe (like money or poontang from her or a hott friend), you accept said bribe and still tell your homie.
• Under no circumstance should you dirty mack (bad talk) your homie (or any dude for that matter) in an attempt to get poon.
• Macking on the same chick as your homie is prohibited unless unknown by both of you. The rule is “First come first served” so if you know your homie was there first, you are required to “back off” unless said chick pursues you.
• Dating a homie’s ex is a tossup. I personally wouldn’t care if a homie banged an ex (’cause once I’m done, I’m done) but wouldn’t mess with a homie’s ex because some dudes “hold feelings” like that. You safest bet is to seek his “blessing” first… I guess… *Kanye shrug*
  

Bros before hoes

HANDS DOWN the absolute MOST IMPORTANT rule under the guy code. You can choose to ignore all the others but this is the one you are required to abide by as ordained by the contract you signed with God in order to be blessed with the gift of testicles. Despite what those with simple minds would want to believe, “Bros Before Hoes” is not a calling to prioritize guys in your life. In actuality, it can be viewed as a safety mechanism to prevent you from wasting “resources” (time/money/feelings/etc) on cockteases, “sluts”, gold diggers, and whatever other vile female life may throw in your direction. I’m sure EVERY guy has at least two stories (minimum) where they wish they abided by this rule.

REAL talk!

The thing is that chicks come and go but your bros have always and will always be there for you no matter what. Putting a chick in front of your homies WHEN THEY ARE DEPENDING ON YOU (most important part here) at the off chance of some poontang is a slap in the face to them. However, guys will understand because well… it’s poontang! The rule of thumb is usually is that it’s cool if you do get the cooch ESPECIALLY if she’s a hott chick. They may give you a little smack talk because you put “some chick” in front of them but deep down they are OK with it and actually happy for you because it’s like they banged her too (weird as that may sound). Under no circumstance are you allowed to put an EXTRA regular or unfortunate looking chick in front of the homies; that’s just disrespect. *thinks about it* Well the exception to that would probably be if you’ve been on like a six month “drought” and your standards are at an all time low.

“Bros Before Hoes” I’ll admit has a lot of grey areas and exceptions and is really hard to explain or implement because of this. I’ll make an attempt though despite possibly contradicting myself at every single turn. I’m expecting to be called out on a lot of this…

Since “there is no poontang like new poontang”, “Bros Before Hoes” takes a back seat because all guys know how that is and understand. Like I said though, the line for that is drawn at chicks who are less visually appealing so expect to get some heat from the dudes (no homo) if you’re putting your friendly neighborhood club rat in front of them. Once it’s a chick they’d bang outside of being on a “drought” then you’re good.

The rule however is more so for your chick friends. By “chick friends” I mean the chicks you aren’t currently banging or even have a shot at banging for that matter because they see you as a “good friend” (or whatever excuse they give nowadays for not giving up the cooch or paying you the time of day “like that”). Every guy has a whole gang of them despite how much of a lady’s man they come across as. There are some chicks who just won’t phuq you despite how much they cocktease and every guy knows this. These are the chicks you DO NOT put in front of your bros in any situation whatsoever.

Example
Your homies need a ride to the club and so do three of your cocktease homegirls. You could make two trips but gas is expensive unless poon is involved. The correct course of action would be to put on your Cee Lo voice and sing, “FUCK YOOOOUUU!!!!” while you hang up the phone. You know they have other dudes they cocktease (because all chicks do) so why should you be their schmuck tonight? If anything you’re being an @$$hole and chicks go for that so it’s a “win/win” for you!

OK, hang on b!t(h niggaz. Before you get your manpon strings up in a bunch and call that a gay move for rolling up with a bunch of dudes, understand this: Guy Code stipulates that these guys should be aware of the situation and be dropped off at the entrance of the property, a block over, or anywhere else other than right in front of the club. If there is a parking lot behind, at the side, or across the street from it then that is OK too. A car of guys DO NOT get “drive up” service; they are expected to walk!

Reasoning
At 4am under some chick’s bed cowering because her man she didn’t tell you about just came home, you’re not going to be texting one of your homegirls to pull up in front of the house with the car running and the back seat door open so you can jet out of the house and make a smooth getaway (holy long ass run-on sentences Batman). Nah, they’d ask you 21 questions and scold you first before telling you to deal with your own $h!t; IF they even answer the phone. A homie however knows that if the phone rings at that hour it’s either “poon” or a “homie emergency”. Either case they’ll be waking up and despite grumbling, they won’t leave you hanging. Now why the heck would you want to put “some chick” in front of your homie?

On a REAL though
The idea of “Bros Before Hoes” applies to other aspects of life too. Never should a dude sell out on his Brotherly Principles in order to fall in good favor with a chick or a group of chicks. Causing the needless ridicule of a brother in order to score points with chicks is an act punishable by death. OK, maybe not death, but you get the idea. More often than not, chicks will see right through the charade of your attempted heroism and while they may not say it to your face, you can bet they bring it up within their circles. When you alienate yourself from your homies in the name of “chicks” and they in turn behind your back secretly can’t stand your @$$ (‘cause chicks get down like that) who do you have in the end? Food for thought my brothers…

Finally let me say this: the only time it should stop being “Bros Before Hoes” is when you’re married. You wife takes priority over all else because she becomes your third nut and that’s a level of commitment that you should never ever phuq with. If your homies can’t understand that without just cause (like she’s a “slut” or something) then it’s probably time for you to get some new homies. Girlfriends on the other hand are a “tossup” because… err… you know what? I’m not going to touch that topic just yet. *crawls back into the crab hole he’s been living in for this past week*

P.S.: TOTALLY unrelated to this post but more so to the one from last week… I had the pleasure of meeting Nissa Butler last night (the chick the guys voted for as “Menstruating Barbie”) and I must say she was very far from that. In fact, I think she had a pretty kick @$$ personality even more so when the topic of conversation switched to “the List” (PUT THAT IN YOUR OVARIES AND POP IT “WOMYN”!!! *wonders if that “word” is both singular and plural*). Maybe I just got lucky and caught her on a “good night” fellas *Kanye shrug*. While I can’t take away her title (sorry doll) she does however get the Beef Pattie Seal of Approval when it comes to a cool chick that’s worth getting to know… well for now at least…