The Underground: Speed Review

Really, this should be my homeboy Mali’s job since he’s now my guy (no homo) when it comes to reviewing parties and events because he keeps it real REAL. Unfortunately, he wasn’t in attendance so hopefully I can pick up the slack.

The event we’re talking about here is “the Underground”. I’m going to make an attempt to look at most of the areas that really make a party a “We Come To Fete 3” or a “Blue Jeans 2006-2007” (that means “really good”). Here are the event details taken from Facebook:

The Underground
Event type: Rave
Date: 3/5/2011
Venue: Sir. Vivian Richards Stadium (in one of the lower level conference rooms)
Advance tickets: EC$20 (US$7.40) | General admission: EC$30 (US$11.11)
Bar type: Cash

Venue & attendance

On arrival there was a long lineup to get in. Apparently it takes more than 60 seconds to make change for a 50, give the person a stub, and have security pat them down. Thankfully things started moving a bit faster like a half hour later. After security and walking down some stairs you arrive in a hallway with a lounge area full of people on the left and a mini bar. Nothing too spectacular to see here. Continuing along the hallway and making a right, the walls have people stuck to them on both sides and there is another bar hosted in a packed room on the right.

At the end of the corridor is a crowd outside of a double door with only one half of it open. These guys not only thought it was cool to have that small passage for both persons going in and coming out, they also had someone there to make sure the second door remained closed. On finally getting in you realized how packed the place was. The sweat chamber which was the main dance area had standing room only. I didn’t know if the mist enshrouding the room was artificial fog or steam. The reason I left home in the first place was to attend a rave and I honestly would have been willing to look past all of that if the venue even came half way close to giving off 5% of that vybe.

"WICKED lighting effects!!!"

A rave is about electronically synthesized music with a crazy bassline (getting to that in a minute), fog, lazers and lighting effects, glow sticks/rings/tips (^_^), and most importantly a crowd with lots of energy dancing (and fist pumping ) for hours with no end in sight. This was more like a basic hella-packed night at the Rush Nightclub except that Rush at least has better situated bars, better ventilation (believe it or not), and a passably decent lighting system. Looking at the FB event there was a claim that there would be “wicked lighting effects”. You know what those lighting effects were? Three Digicel branded multi colored disco balls by the DJ booth and a PowerPoint presentation flashing images on the back wall using the overhead projector. *RZA voice* “FUCKING RIDICULOUS!!!”

Drinks

I don’t drink alcohol and have no idea what that stuff should cost but here are the bar prices listed on the FB event:

Cavalier Rum: EC$5 (US$1.85)
Koko Caribe Rum: EC$5 (US$1.85)
English Harbour 5yr Rum: EC$10 ($US3.70)
Heineken: EC$5 (US$1.85)
Cognac: EC$15 (US$5.55)
Absolute Vodka: EC$10 ($US3.70)
Chivas Regal 12yr: $15 (US$5.55)
Water & chasers: EC$5 (US$1.85)
Special shout out for having Vita Malt at the bar. Sober people are usually limited to water, fruit juices, and carbonated beverages.

It was RUMORED (I can’t stress this enough) that a bunch of persons were charged EC$10 ($US3.70) flat across the board for items which were advertised to cost EC$5 (US$1.85) but I don’t know how true that is. Maybe someone can say something about that in the comments. If it is true though… *sighs and hangs head*

Chicks and the dude:chick ratio

Reproducing...

There were some “foine” chicks at the Underground. When I say “foine” I’m only including the chicks rocking their own hair and looking HOTT doing it. Of course there were the “weaveheads” and the “lacefront shawties” but at least they had pretty faces in most cases. Fat chicks were appropriately dressed and weren’t wearing undersized clothing while having that “FUCK YOU I’M FLUFFY!!” look on their faces. The dude:chick ratio was about 1:2.25 so I was slightly better than buying an eight pack of hot dogs and scoring a baker’s dozen when getting the buns. However, this was only at the start of the night.

As the night progressed one of two things could be concluded: either the hott chicks were going home or being abducted, or the sauna was causing the beauty to run from their faces along with their makeup. I don’t know which it was, but there were now chicks dancing with their shoes off which is like the biggest turnoff of life (I can only speak for myself on that one since some guys may actually go for that crap). A quick glance around the room made you aware of the fact that the sausages were reproducing and the buns were being nuns. The ratio was soon 3(and counting):1. Yeah this was starting to look like a yard move.

Music

The main reason I left home was to hear some house, dance, techno, trance, and some live crossups by the “wicked DJs” that the promotional media stated were going to be there. Partiers were instead treated to the most sordid selection of dancehall (or “pum pum” music as my homegirl Tshala called it) and a DJ/mic man who just didn’t know how to STFU at times. In their defense, I did recall hearing the bass line for a Katy Perry and a Lady Gaga song earlier on in the night and they did play Rhianna’s “S&M” and “Only Girl”. It would have been cool if they had managed to work some Tiesto, Afrojack, or Ferry Corsten in there as well but that was apparently too much to ask.

I know he isn't playing that song right now...

I know some flaming idiot is going to pass the comment of “It’s Antigua, what do you expect?” but how long is that line going to be an accepted excuse for mediocrity? To make matters even worse, the reins were completely handed over to Selecta Mario and that had most people wishing they brought an I-Pod. This dude was jumping all over the place with his music. First he had you feeling you were at a sound clash then you thought you were listening to Jay-Z’s Blueprint 2 album (I’m talking full songs here). Nicki Minaj’s “Moment 4 Life” and “Right Thru Me” came on followed by Kanye’s “Jesus Walks”, 50’s “In Da Club”, and Drake’s “Over”.

At this point nobody was really dancing. They were just standing around realizing that the reason the bar served everything in cups and not bottles is because they knew the DJ sucked and didn’t want them being chucked at him. I turned to my homie Jon (the Pope) and he remarked that he wouldn’t be surprised if as a last ditch desperation move the DJ started playing soca music. So said, so done! I don’t think anyone really stuck around much longer after that.

Final verdict

While the event on paper looked good, the execution was HORRIBLE. The whole thing felt like paying money for empty promises. In actuality, the event itself was like cramming 300+ people into a room meant for no more than 100, and playing some music. There was nothing special about it except that it had the sponsor’s logos splashed on the walls in some areas and you had the feel of a ghetto basketball court dance but only indoors. At least with the basketball court dances you knew what to expect.

Next time maybe try talking to the guys at S.O. Limited first before having an underground party where the only source of ventilation is the exit upstairs. Also, don’t plan a rave unless a member on the planning committee has actually ever been to one especially if Selecta Mario is the best you can come up with as a DJ. You know, I probably wouldn’t even be so critical of the dude if the event planners didn’t market it as a rave. Blame them for everyone now thinking that you suck bro.

There was one good thing to come out of it though. If you knew someone in denial about being ghetto and they went to the Underground, ask them if it was good. If they answered “yes” then you have your confirmation.

Event rating: I want my money back!
“OH EM GEE! They’re having another one” rating: Cyarn catch me again!