So the year is ending and everyone is all excited for the new year and what it holds. People are making resolutions they won’t keep and talking about turning over a new leaf but that’s all just crap to me. A new year means absolutely nothing and it doesn’t change a damn thing in any of our lives. Criminals still have to go to jail, York is still going to charge me $17,000+ Canadian per year for tuition, my right hand still wouldn’t have grown tits and a vag-o, and if you went to bed December 31 looking like an ogre’s inbred half sister you can rest assure that isn’t changing in the morning.
I’m in a somewhat frustrated mood right now so I couldn’t focus on the post I actually intended on writing. Turns out when I’m frustrated I keep quiet, over analyze, ponder, and not give a phuq. I guess you can say it boosts REAL-ism. So with that said, I now present “Things I Shouldn’t Say, and then Some…” -a small collection of my thoughts and mini-rants. If you keep it REAL, you’ll see where I’m coming from.
1.) Is it just me or does signing in to FB and seeing that this girl/guy you’ve been “dogging” for the longest while has FINALLY broken up with their boyfriend/girlfriend cause you to do a little celebratory dance on the inside? Then suddenly want to send an “I miss you, we haven’t hung out in so long!” text a day or two later (got to give it some time so it “appears” genuine). Am I alone on this? Yes? Ah well, I’ve got no shame in my game.
2.) If Magic Johnson can get over HIV, then Taylor Swift and all her d!(k riders should be able to get over Kanye West and the 2009 VMAs. He did her and her fans a favor if you ask me, even though I think the whole thing was staged. Still, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy > Speak Now.
3.) Hott chicks a lot of times roll with an entourage of “not so hott” chicks to make themselves appear even hotter and they take the same approach to when it comes to selecting a FB profile picture. Don’t start feeling bad for them (the “not so hott” chicks) because it’s a symbiotic relationship. “Not so hott” chicks are quick to post pictures of them with their hott chick friends in order to trick dudes. The messed up part is that when they’re done using pictures of them with their hott friends to attract a guy’s attention, they want to hold an attitude when the guy asks about their friend or pays them (the friend) more attention. B!t(h are you for real? She’s the reason I’m talking to your “straight outta the hundred acre woods” lookin’ @$$ in the first place!
4.) When people ADOPT animals they always say they “rescued” them… from what? It’s not like they’re going to kill them at the shelter or sell them to the Chinese restaurant a few streets over. Also, you still have to pay to get the animal out so it’s more like a business transaction to me.
Note how the alleged rescuers appear to be talking down their nose when they say this to people who bought their dogs as if they’re better than them. The way I see it, at least 50% of those animals are in there because they were abandoned for a legit reason. The chick running the shelter ALWAYS has some heartwarming and epic story about how they got the animal that just “guilts” you in to not wanting to leave there without the (e.g. )dog. She’ll quicker tell you, “All he needs is love and a good home.” before saying, “Man this lil’ phuq-er bit off a kid’s arm and was shot five times in the heart and twice in the d!(k but REFUSED to die and kept munching!” I think I’ll stick to getting a new dog “from scratch” rather than taking the 50/50 at getting someone else’s “phuq-up”!
5.) No matter how much TP you end up using after taking a crap, there’s ALWAYS “evidence of your incident” on it. That’s why I’ve given up on wearing white underwear and why they should probably stop making them. It makes you wonder though… Do pads and tampons REALLY get “everything” when a chick’s on her period? One of you chicks should holla at me about this.
6.) Speaking of “taking a crap” and “chicks”… HOTT CHICKS DON’T DEFECATE OR FART!!! There is not a person in the WORLD that can convince me of otherwise. Honestly, I don’t even recall them having booty holes. In fact, the only hott chicks with them are the ones in porn. See, God made hott chicks with a special booty hole that only presents itself when it comes to having anal sex. Other than that it just disappears. Some of you “hater chicks” may want to ask, “Well how do they pass waste?” to try and throw a homie off but I figured that out ages ago.
What happens is that God also created the hott chick with a waste filtration system that inspired Brita water filters. When the hott chick eats, the food that isn’t digested and converted into more hotness is passed on to her body’s special filtration system. That system then processes it and releases it through her pores. Not as sweat, but as the “springtime freshness as soothing as an autumn breeze in the mountains of Vermont with a hint of maple” that is known as the hott chick’s aroma.
This is the kind of stuff Febreeze and Air Wick aspire to be.
You may think this is rubbish but the reason you’ve never seen this filtration system in a diagram of the female anatomy is because they never used a hott chick as a subject. It’s always some shapeless, banged up, “battle axe” of a broad who’s overly willing to be probed that they use for those diagrams. When a hott chick dies, her filtration system turns into large intestine and a colon.
If you’re a chick and you attest to defecating then automatically you’re not a hott chick. In fact, a hott chick reading this right now probably doesn’t even know what that is. She probably thinks it’s “something guys do”.
7.) If you’re going to dye your hair, dye your eyebrows and your cooch (which shouldn’t have hair to begin with btw) while you’re at it. That way us guys can start taking you seriously and realize that you’ve put in some thought and extra effort into your looks. Simply put: you don’t like “half-assed” guys, and we certainly don’t like “half-assed” girls. You wouldn’t want to be seen out in public with us wearing a Jamaican yellow shirt and a pair of fuchsia dress pants right? Let the carpet match the drapes .
8.) If I had kids who believed in Santa Claus, I’d gift wrap them coal every year and put his name on them so that they’d realize that “Daddy gives better gifts!” I’m not going let some imaginary fat man take all the credit. I have to work 50 hours a week to afford gifts just to see him get the praise, adoration, and milk and cookies go to him, while all the bills and expenses of their lives come my way? .. PHUQ OUTTA HERE!!!
It’s not like he does any real work or anything. Homie enslaves elves for a living. Santa can start eating the milk and cookies I PAID FOR when he starts helping out with some bills around here.
9.) All guys smell their fingers within seconds after touching your cooch… ALL!!! Even if they have to wipe it on the back of their other hand and then pretend to be wiping sweat with it just to catch a whiff. They also will not hesitate to let “the guys” know how it smells. If you “put out” and you weren’t too fresh, you’re 90% or more sure that his homies know you smell like “herring and lobster”. Use this new knowledge and step you “Vagisil” game up ladies. Stop inviting dudes over and not showering first. Of course guys, you wouldn’t have to worry about this with hott chicks. They smell like baby powder even for after working out for two hours.
10.) Winter was made so fat chicks can pick up. During winter, it’s a level playing field for girls to get hit on by guys. All the hott chicks are bundled up in 10 layers of clothing so everybody looks fat. Guys don’t know what they’re hitting on before it’s too late. “Not so hott” looking chicks celebrate this time of year too. Guys have settled with the fact that they won’t be seeing much skin during winter months. Now that makes the chicks who spend all year dressing to hide cellulite, bullet wounds, and cigarette burns visible on everyone’s radar. Am I missing anyone? Oh yeah! The “facially challenged” chicks also rejoice. It’s the only time of year wearing a ski mask and a hood up will fly. Every “butter face” is rocking this and their tightest jeans or leggings.
11.) Chicks can NEVER do anything a man can and just as good until they can pee standing up without making a mess or write their names in snow. Take that POWA!!!
12.) The best sex a guy will ever have is the sex that lasts no more than 10-15 minutes. If it’s taking longer than 20-25 minutes for him to bust his first “nut” then it’s one of three things:
- he either used a numbing spray/performance enhancement product
- he doesn’t really want to bang you but hates wasting an erection
- the cooch is “aight” but not “that good”
Don’t believe me? Ask any guy what was his BEST EVER sexual experience (handjob/blowjob/intercourse/???) and how long it took him to bust that first nut. Then come back and let me know I was right 99.99% of the time.
If you’re in a relationship with a guy and you can’t get that first nut within that time in any way you can, then maybe it’s time for you to ask him what he likes.
13.) Speaking of busting “nuts”… CHICKS NEED TO MASTURBATE MORE!!! Guys have ejaculation down to a science thanks to teen years spent masturbating. If a guy can’t make himself cum after five minutes and some good porn then… *thinks about it* …man that’s not even possible to find. Chicks will find themselves enjoying sex and cumming more if they didn’t let cobwebs grow on the cooch just because they “didn’t have a man in over six months/a year (WTF??!!)”. Then when a dude comes along to one of these dried up wells, they want to act up because he got two “nuts” out of it and they didn’t get squat. Word?
Trick it’s not my fault you let your gears seize up in your “grandmother clock”. You think if a guy went a year without poon he wouldn’t jerk off? That’s like keeping a plane locked up in a hangar for a year and not turning the engines over or checking the electronics from time to time to make sure everything works. THEN expect it to make the flight from La Paz to Bucharest. It’s pretty much “hit and miss”.
Although it requires two (or more) people, sex is a very selfish act and guys realize it for what it is. We’re not banging you for you; we’re in it for US! Since the first “nut” is the best “nut”, if a guy is having sex with you past the 2nd or even 3rd, it’s your responsibility to make sure you cum. When he’s at that point, he’s not going to be as into it as “firstie” so this is your time to shine. Think of it as him saying, “Ok baby; your turn.”
On that note, I don’t think I should be banging a chick I’m not in a relationship with for more than an hour into my second “nut” and neither of us are cumming. For me, at that point it becomes like jogging; cardiovascular exercise. In that case, I could have gone to sleep/left 45 minutes ago like I wanted to in the first place. That’s why I fake orgasms… Yeah, chicks aren’t the only ones who do that!
So there you have it, a thought for each month for the past year, and then some… I sort of feel a little bit better now J. I’ll just take this time to shout out you guys who have been coming back Friday after Friday to read my rants. I figured I’d probably get like a couple hundred page hits per month when this blog hits its prime a few months after launch. I never expected that within the first month alone I’d get 5876 (and counting ) page hits.
Thanks a lot guys! Now I just need to these numbers into advertising dollars somehow… Hmmm…
Oh, and one more thing to make it 14…
-F**K LADIES NIGHT!!! I’ll make a post on that soon. I’m outtie!