Things I Shouldn’t Say and then some…: III

If I had a girlfriend that I had to travel thousands of miles to see and I found out she was cheating on me, I’d act like everything was OK until I saw her again. When I got back, I’d go to my local STD/STI doctor and tell him I had herpes and ask for the contact info to a local “living with an STI/STD” support group. I’d then go to a few meeting and befriend the people and pay one of them to give me their herpes ridden underwear.

"Oh you whore..."

Then I’d continue having sex with my GF and going around with her like nothing happened and on the last day we had sex before I left again, I’d make sure it was at her place and I’d bring the herpes ridden undies in the car with me. After we were done with sex, I’d pretend to use her bathroom, take her toothbrush, then make an excuse to have to go to the car for something and “blend” her toothbrush in the bag with the undies like I was “Shake N’ Bake”-ing chicken.

I’d bring her toothbrush back, kiss her one last time, then utter the words, “I’m breaking up with you” and leave without saying anything else. Oh, I forgot to mention something. I’d also make sure every time I had sex with her while I was there I’d cum in her without her knowing (REAL dudes know how to cum with a blank face). So one or so months later when she finds out she’s pregnant (hopefully) and she calls me up to say this, I can then tell her, “Pick that up with the nigga you been fucking behind my back who probably even gave you herpes too” and hang up my damn phone. Now that would phuq a b!t(h up!

I don’t know, but there’s something about “not having sex for a few months because you’re being faithful to a bitch only to find out she’s giving YOUR pussy away to another nigga” that just makes doing something like that completely morally justifiable. Chicks tend to phuq with a guy’s feelings when he’s willing to commit to them fully and not mess around. It’s like the fact that she’s actually being treated good causes her vagina to secrete more of the hormones into her body that makes her unable to suppress her natural urge to be trifling. That’s why I’ve [almost] stopped caring about most chicks (except my close homegirls who aren’t retarded) and their cries about dudes treating them badly.

So where does all of this come in? Well, when I left for Canada last summer, a homie and I embarked on the long distance thing with our girls and he called me up last week and told me that his chick was “slutting it up” back home. I felt his pain on another level because I could put myself in his shoes to feel his pain since it could have been me.

I then gave him the above advice (which is one of the many things I’ve sat and thought about if I’ve had to deal with an unfaithful girl) and it took some convincing, but we’ve got thing 85% planned out (logically). He should get back within the next three to four weeks and “Operation: Blindside The Bitch” will commence. She won’t know what hit her!

Yes I know it’s something I probably shouldn’t say or suggest to a friend desperately seeking advice, but I am my brother’s keeper and I already explained to you guys before about guys and their commitment. Call it a “bitch move” if you like, but it’s mild in comparison to some of the things I’d probably do myself. Speaking of things I probably shouldn’t say, here’s a bunch of other things that can probably be added to the series (my apologies in advance gals ):

1.) The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and the way to most Antiguan teenage girl’s vagina is through a box of KFC. I knew that, most homies coming up knew that, and Hard Knaxx knew that and made a song about it. People ragged on him for it singing it and-… well actually no. “Womyn” ragged on him because they were upset that the fact that they would readily open their legs to attain something they weren’t in the position to obtain by their own means was not only being exploited in its infancy stage, but also being promoted and publicized. I understand P.O.W.A., it’s hard to promote the ideals of “Fuck niggaz, they ain’t shit!” among your gender when the ones who didn’t divorce their husbands and take half his $h!t are out “getting theirs” but applying “other means”. Maybe you guys should start a support fund. Until then, pubescent cherries are going to continue being popped at the price of a 2-piece combo. –REAL

2.) I like boobs, therefore I like looking at boobs. If you have a problem with me looking at your boobs then maybe you shouldn’t have them in the first place. Yeah, I know God gave them to you and you can’t help it, but he gave them to you for me to look at. I mean what other purpose do they serve? It’s not like you’re pregnant every day of your life and need them around to nurse a baby. If God didn’t want me to look at them, then he’d have made them like an erection; around when needed. So phuq off when I’m staring at them while talking to you and your “bland personality having” @$$. In a lot of cases, they’re the only things you have going for you anyway…

3.) …speaking of tits… @$$ can never make up for boobs. Some guys as well (as chicks with grape tits) think it can, but honestly it can’t. If you look at it, boobs are the only outwardly visible physical feature that differentiates a chick from a dude. Just that little hump of chest area curvature makes the world of a difference. I mean, what do you think separates who can plan in the WNBA and the NBA? It sure as hell isn’t “pretty faces”…

4.) Two things that should never come together in a positively constructed sentence are: “sexy” and “female body builder”.

5.) Why is it that it’s always the “unpretty” ones who are the most extroverted and are least likely to take a hint? For YEARS dudes have been trying to figure it out and no one has been able to pinpoint the reason. Is it that they get to a point in life where after years of hatin’ on the mirror and every hott chick they’ve ever taken a Facebook profile picture with that they develop a “Fuck it!” mentality? Funny thing is, when you finally get your point of “I’d rather give birth to an adult porcupine that be macked on by you” across, they develop an attitude as if you owe them child support… Basically, “YOU AIN’T SHIT!”

6.) I don’t mind you trying to set me up. However, don’t try to set me up with your fat friend that you think “deserves better” because she has such a “nice personality” (ONLY selling point)… then get mad at me because I didn’t bite. I “deserve better” too!!! Some friend you are…

7.) Being lesbian or bisexual should be a choice reserved (by law) ONLY for hott chicks. No one wants to see chick-Shrek and Godzilla making out…

8.) Speaking of… Halloween parties are how unattractive chicks get lucky and that’s why I don’t phuq with them. It’s bad enough having to scope out chicks in the dark on a regular club night and hoping to get lucky, but then to add in the element of being able to wear a mask over their mask? UH UH!! Not for me homie! I don’t like those odds. I have a better chance at proposing to Katy Perry and getting her to say “yes!” *<3 dreamy sigh <3*

9.) Why it’s so hard to ask the modern chick a “yes or no” question and get a “yes or no” answer? Is it the fact that they were made from a rib and it wasn’t the rib that contained “comprehensive capabilities”? I think I speak for all dudes when I say we HATE “beat around the bush” answers even more than “beat around the bush” stories. At the end of the day, they’ll wonder why there won’t ever be a female Prime Minister. Ya’ll spend too much time dwelling on unnecessary $h!t. Get to the damn point already: “Fuck your feelings for like two seconds, did you fuck him; yes or no?”
LMFAO , shout out to my homie Sharp for sharing that story with me.

10.) In this day and age chicks are STILL thinking that a guy actually needs to care about her or there has to be some “spark” *snickers* in order for him to want to have sex with her. Chicks fail to realize that it is VERY possible to have sex without feelings. That’s why in some cases it’s technically “OK” for guys to cheat. We just cheat physically and out of the desire to cum; you do it emotionally. Go ahead and feel that every guy that hollas at you cares about you “in that light”… That’s how most of you end up heartbroken. Open your eyes and realize that your poon doesn’t necessarily means $h!t to every guy your give it to nor is it going to magically morph him into the guy you want him to be. However… if that’s the mentality you need to have in order to keep giving it away, then by all means don’t let me stop you…

11.) *runon sentence alert* Whenever there’s like a dance routine, there’s always the one b!t(h who skipped out on a few practices to go hoe-ing because “she’s a diva like that and can catch up on what she missed”, but when it’s time to perform she keeps looking on the other chicks as a visual cue on what to do so therefore her movements are out of sync with everyone else and she basically just phuqs up everything. STOP RECRUITING THIS B!T(H INTO YOUR DANCE CREW AND LET HER STAY HER BUM A$$ AT HOME!!!

12.) Let me get an “AMEN!” on this guys:
*New friend request on Facebook*
“Oh hello!!! This chick is SMOKING hott!!!” <3
*looks at bottom of pic*
“August 12, 2009? WTF???!!!”
*searches for something at least in 2011 and finds three. One is of a pregnant belly, one is of a heart with an arrow in it that says something like “FUCK LOVE!” and one is of a fat chick squeezing into clothes from “August 12, 2009″*
“WHY THE PHUQ IS THIS B!T(H TYRNA ‘TRICK A NIGGA’?”

13.) Nothing starts my day off better than witnessing Maury let some trifling b!t(hes hear him tell their dudes the words “You ARE NOT the father!”  ARRR HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! IT BUUUUURRRRRNNNNSSSS!!!
*calms down*
I don’t know, but there’s something about the look on their faces that just makes my day. You know you’ve been sleeping with like six dudes on the go and you choose to single out the one mofo out of the lot who you think stands the best chance to support you (usually her original man) and pin the kid on him? You think he’s going to forget about and forgive you for the cheating he found out about, and you guys can start over just because you’re having a kid? Nah homegirl, the world doesn’t work like that anymore thanks to Uncle Maury. Besides, J. Cole already told us, “…man these hoes be trapping niggaz, playing with niggas emotions like they some action figures. Swear they get pregnant for collateral; it’s like extortion…” –REAL

14.) Guys ultimately define if a chick is sexy so don’t front like you don’t dress sexy to impress guys. I know when I get my “fly” game on and I walk into a room b!t(hes BETTER be breaking their phuq-ing necks to get a better view of who it is. If they don’t I know I have to step my game up. Either that or I’ve walked into a room full of bull-dykes or a local P.O.W.A. meeting… ZING!!!
*OK, that’s twice in one post; I’m done!*