February 14, a day that is just as insignificant as the day before and after it but only gets noticed because of one thing: “chicks”. For some reason chicks just needed another day to get gifts and have guys go OVERLY out of their way for them (because Christmas being a month and a half earlier didn’t cut it for them apparently), and the day some dude sent his chick a love letter before being executed was the perfect one to capitalize on for this purpose. Note to self: gotta work on these run-on sentences homie!
While the act in itself was somewhat noble (even though the story was fake), I can’t help but scoff at it just like I scoff at Jack dying every time I watch Titanic. Guys have been “catching grenades” for chicks in the name of “love” (a lot of the times “like”) for AGES and they always get burnt in the end. Sometimes they do it so blindly you’d think that they were promised 77 virgins or that the chick is going to ignore all other guys and save herself for him until she dies so he can get some “afterlife pu$$y”. These are all metaphors, but you guys are smart and were able to figure that out on your own… right?
To me, Valentine’s Day and how it became a recognized date on our calendar year has lost its meaning much like Christmas has. If I didn’t know better (or maybe I don’t) I’d say the Devil himself personally had something to do with this. A day which was supposed to be about lovers professing their love for each other (something they should do every day really) has turned into one of vanity, stylin’, over and under appreciation, and hatin’.
So what are you “bitching” about this time? I’m not “bitching” about anything… this time. I’m just calling out the people who make February 14 the day a lot of us hate to love and love to hate.
Haters are always going to hate, and Valentine’s Day offers no exceptions to this rule. Nobody hates on V-day more than single people and they have no shame in their game either. I never really know Valentine’s is coming until like a week or so before which marks the end of the Single & Bitter Convention. The reason I know the convention has ended is because I’ll sign into Facebook and see a status like this, “I guess I’ll be spending Valentine’s Day with my son Cory this year. He’s my ‘everything’ and the only man I need in my life!”
For those of you unfamiliar with the convention, this is when all the “less fortunate” looking, “undateable”, broken hearted, rejected, and astringent people come together for a week to just plain out HATE on the persons who did the right things and are in love. The fact that they have an internationally recognized day dedicated to them just drives them up the wall with pure jealousy. So much so that they decided they would try to take the shine away from the couples and further feed their own selfish motives. This then gave birth to February 14 being regarded as “Single Awareness Day”.
In short, it’s just a day where they mope around and feel sorry themselves like them being single is something the rest of the world should give a phuq about. If you give them a chance they’ll make it seem like they’re living with some serious problem AIDS, or testicular cancer, or a girlfriend who doesn’t “put out”. Then before you know it you’ll find yourself feeling sorry for them. The funniest part (well to me at least) is that last year some of them were in relationships around V-day and they were being gay and “goo-goo eyed”. Now because they got left for their hotter best friend who came over wearing short shorts too often, they want to rain on everyone else’s parade.
It’ll be cool if they stuck to their guns every year but they all have a “crabs in a bucket” mentality. When they’re in the bucket they try to pull everyone else trying to get out back down: “Hey Hanna, the girls and I are planning a girl’s night out on Valentine’s Day and we’re making reservations at Tides. What? You can’t make it? Dinner with that new dude you met at Conor’s last week? Man fuck him! We’re your girls! We always have been and always will be there for you. Besides, he ain’t even that cute and you know he only wants the ass and that’s it.” When they get out of the bucket, they just straight $h!t on and forget about everyone back in it like they’re suddenly better than them: “Hey Hanna, waddup girl? You guys wanna have a girl’s night on Valentine’s Day? HEEEEELLLL NO!!! Me and my boo boo got plans tonight. What ya’ll need to do is go get a man so you can REALLY appreciate the day how it was meant to be. Until then, Imma need ya’ll to hang tight, not hate, and just be happy for me. I gotta go though, baby boy’s on the other line. DEUCES!”
Tell me you don’t know some chicks/dudes who roll like that. No? It’s just me? Damn! In any case, I have a list compiled of all these people, their status update, time and date. Next V-day I’m going to be laying in wait to call them out! *wipes drool*
“In love” people
These are the probably the individuals who cause the single people to act the way they do. It’s bad enough when you have to go to work and deal with that chick who babbles about her boyfriend constantly, or is always on the phone with him or texting him. Now imagine how hella annoying she becomes on Valentine’s Day. She gets a rose AT HOME and brings it to work. “Oh look what Laurent bought me!” He tells her he’s picking her up so they can have lunch together and she wipes it in everyone’s face. “Oh I can’t go to lunch with you guys today, MY MAN is taking me out.” If he took her out to dinner that night the next day she chronicles every last “I don’t really care to hear this” detail. “They even had scented candles in the bathroom!”
While all of this is carrying on, Grace with the humped back from cubicle 13 is sitting there getting pissed off as phuq and plotting to kill this b!t(h. She hasn’t been kissed since Bradon lost that bet in 11th grade and having this chick’s V-day love involuntarily stuffed down her throat is just pushing her closer to the edge. Then to top it all off, Ditzy Danika is going to waltz right over to Grace who is CLEARLY trying to keep to herself and ask her what her and her significant other had planned. “BITCH YOU KNOW I DON’T HAVE A MAN AND PROBABLY WON’T GET ONE UNTIL A FRIGGING TOXIC WASTE PLANT EXPLODES AND DEFORMS EVERY GUY WITHININ A TEM MILE RADIUS! I went home and fucked the entire vegetable tray if that’s the answer you were fishing for! In fact, I’ve got a couple cloves of garlic still rattling around inside of me but I’m waiting on my period to come along to flush that out. You know, there was a reason why I secretly hated you, and I’ve always wanted to do this…” *stab stab stab stab stab stab*
Moral of the story is, while you may be happy that you’re happy, not everyone is going to be delighted to share in your happiness. Although it may not turn out to be as drastic, sometimes it may be better (and even for your own benefit) to just keep $h!t to yourself.
Chicks don’t know how to appreciate $H!T… PERIOD!!! Nothing magnifies this more than birthdays, Christmas, weddings, and Valentine’s Day (before I get some chicks running off to the comments, I’m not talking about all of you; just a high percentage ). V-day is a kick in the nuts for a lot of guys because they are still trying to recover from going all out on a chick from Christmas. If they went all out on her last birthday and Christmas, he has to do it again on Valentine’s.
The reason for this is because a chick will accept a downgrade in anything in her life BUT her lifestyle… or at least she’ll have a hard time doing so. When I say this I mean if she started out dating guys who took her to Casanova and spent the last two years of her life with guys who took her to Sticky Wicket on a regular, there’s no way she’s willingly jumping back to the “Pita Pocket” mofo no matter how on point his game is. Be REAL with me ladies.
To help illustrate my point, here’s a status from my FB feed on Valentine’s Day: “I’m not accepting any flowers or chocolate today. It’s either jewelry or nothing!” …and this chick was single (and probably wonders why she is).
Clearly she either has been messing with dudes who have been really spoiling her or she has grown too accustomed to flowers and chocolate and is therefore advertising what the next step up is. I know girls who are content with having a man and him actually remembering the day much less giving her flowers or chocolate. How much more unappreciative can you get than telling someone what they should get you as a GIFT in order for you to accept it? I can’t even stress “gift” enough. A gift isn’t even something you should ask for much less dictate what it should be. For some reason though “gifts” on this day have morphed into becoming “expectances”.
Feel free to call me out on this but it has caused Valentine’s Day to become a day guys only care about and remember because they know what nagging b!t(he$ chicks turn into when you don’t plan out something special for them. It’s supposed to be about both parties expressing their love for each other and exchanging tokens to represent this. Now it’s like a test to see how far a guy can bend over backwards for a chick. To me, it’s like Mother’s Day but without the kids.
Of all that I’ve seen, I think my homie Josh probably posted my favorite status on V-day:
“How many girls got something for their bf today? Dunno why ya’ll feel this day is only about women. They like to say, ‘I do things for him all year round today is my day.’ Things like what? We take you out, pick you up from work, buy you food, keep you protected, stay loyal, etc. What you think; sex? Don’t you think that us having sex with you is also us loving you too?”
Some chicks have it in the back of their minds, “Oh it’s not even like that. I give him some cooch at the end of it.” SO WHAT? NO POONTANG IS WORTH ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY!!! If you as a guy think you need to spend $200+ on a date at the off chance of getting some cooch then you’re sadly mistaken because I guarantee you there are at least five other dudes getting it for free. That’s why chicks are forever going to be laughing at us and posting statuses like this:
Flowers – $50
Dinner – $200
Movies for two – $40
Hotel – $150
…Look on his face when you tell him you’re on your period – PRICELESS!
How dumb do you feel after that?
On a final note let me just leave some advice: “Don’t let your first date with a chick be on Valentine’s Day!” V-day comes with added “expectances” outside of you having to open doors and pull chairs out (restaurant as opposed to takeout/Broadway play as opposed to a movie). Regardless as to how much you’re “ballin’” your first date with a chick you’re scoping out shouldn’t cost you more than $50 and V-day doesn’t compliment or aid that rule in any way. Even if you think she’s potential wifey material always mentally prepare for the worst. Wouldn’t you rather find out about her habit of “flick cleaning” her teeth over a burger and fries after a movie rather than over a dinner where the tip alone is going to run you $47?
As things continue to progress to your liking, you step it up one notch at a time. It’ll save you a lot of money and stress and more importantly it’ll save you from being the guy we laugh about in barbershops.
I don’t know why, but for some reason a side chick who plays her role well all year suddenly wants to act up and get out of line when comes up on Valentine’s Day. She knows he has a girl and a kid (both of whom he lives with) and walks right by her when he’s out with them. She knows he only take her out to the late late LATE showing of the movie nobody wants to watch and never spends more than three hours out of the day with her. She knows she has to walk out her road and go down two blocks to meet him because he doesn’t want his car seen in front of her crib. She knows she can’t call or text past 7pm unless he sends the first message and it usually is something along the lines of “I’m horny”. So why every February a homie has to deal with her asking, “So what are WE doing for Valentines?”
The thing is, if you guys have been sneaking around all year and ducking people out, what makes you think that he’ll go out with you on the one day that any chick a dude is seen with it’s automatically assumed he’s phuq-ing her or trying to phuq her? Does that make any logical sense to you? Yes I understand being the side chick sucks at times and you want that feeling of “ownership” and having him all for yourself but you know what you signed up for when you took the position. You can’t just suddenly “catch feelings” and want to blow up his spot because you see how happy your friends are with their significant others. The “game” doesn’t work like that.
What you as the side chick should do is empower yourself and make him your side man and find yourself your own man. Then you make the choice to either cut the side guy off completely or keep him around. That’s the kind of thing these women empowerment and feminist groups should be teaching. Instead they’re off fighting for a woman’s right to wear pants and to drink straight from the bottle and it be socially acceptable. Like who actually sat down and thought these were the issues really bothering women the most? Oh yeah, the chicks with buzz cuts, pearl earrings, menopausal facial expressions, and cigarette trousers to cover their five month old unshaven legs.
*Again, I don’t condone cheating. I just advise on how to do it right if it must be done/carried out. Guys should not have side chicks and chicks should not have side guys… unless their partners are kool “like that”. ^_^
Side note: Valentine’s Day poontang
If you’re single and giving/getting poontang on Valentine’s Day, you should give/get it with the mentality of “It’s JUST poontang” and nothing else. Chicks lay “pussy traps” all the time to try and get guys to stick around and “V-day poontang” is right up there with “I think I’m pregnant and you’re my baby’s daddy”. On the flip side, guys who get the cooch need to realize that getting it doesn’t mean she’s all that into you and you need to be blowing up her phone every two hours asking when you’re going to see her again.
It could just be she was lonely and horny and you just happened to come along at the right time she needed to bust a nut. As shocking as this may seem to your tiny brain and swollen ego, chicks have the capability to think like us too. The sooner you start to understand this, the sooner you start looking like less of a punk.
Nope! That’s pretty much it… for now… I think… My mind is drifting elsewhere on this other post I’ve been working on that GREATLY bothers me. That said, if any of you have connects with the Ministry of Sports & Education, Tourism, or National Security & Labour (more may be added) let them know I’ll be calling them out and putting them on blast soon, and I’ll be expecting a response. I’ll try to get the cleaner version published in the newspaper as a guest editorial once I’m done and feel satisfied with it. I’ll keep you guys posted.