Why I don’t eat pussy

So I’m having sex with this chick (or well at least I was about to) and she decided to give me a blowjob to start things off and get that first “nut” out of the way… NICE!!!  Now I’m not talking about the diluted “you lay on the bed while I suck your d!(k and let’s get this over with” blowjob. Uh uh, I’m talking about a REAL blowjob. You know, the “no no baby, you stand up and Imma get on my knees and suck this d!(k like a REAL slut (even though I’m not a slut) so that you can look down and see me bowing to and worshiping ‘His Majesty’ ‘cause I know that’s how you guys think but I don’t give a phuq ‘cause I’m REAL with my sex game like that” kind of blowjob. Holy long winded run-on sentences Batman!

ALMOST good enough to eat...

Yes, everything was certainly right in the world. I puffed up my chest like Captain Morgan, looked out the window and gave a thumbs up to my homies outside filming everything, and for some reason the theme from the O.C. was playing (man don’t ask ‘cause I don’t even know myself). Everything was moving in that blurred “soap opera flashback” slow motion vision and the room was brightly lit in warm “summery” colors. I came all over her face (in slow motion of course which made the moment even more EPIC) and she licked a little drop that was around her lips then made a comical “puking” face and laughed.

I looked outside and my homies were giving me thumbs ups with the cameras still rolling. There were fireworks going off in the distance and a college marching band complete with all smoking hott cheerleaders were coming across the field. Another porno moment that I’ve always wanted to live out from since I was a teen was now complete. ^_^

She wiped off with this towel she had laying around in her room (chicks ALWAYS have a towel nearby for some reason), hopped on to her bed and signaled for me to come over. I gave my d!(k a high-five as I slipped a condom on and walked over. So now I’m laying on top of her kissing her neck; about to just completely DESTROY this chick (I tend take on the mentality of “Optimus Prime vs. the Easter Bunny” when it comes to banging a hott chick for the first time; don’t judge me). She then said, “You’re gonna love how I taste…” as she placed her hands on my shoulder and gently guided my kissing down the rest of her body. I was so caught up in the moment that I just went along with it. That is until I got to just below her navel and my d!(k signaled to my brain to “take over from autopilot and pull up” by going soft.

The world around me paused and I realized that the room was dimly lit with white walls and everything was colored in hues of dull blue instead of being “summery”. The O.C. theme stopped playing, I looked outside and there were no fireworks going off, the marching band and hott cheerleaders had probably said “Phuq it!” and went home since they were no longer there, and my homies had left a sign on the window which read, “You’re on your own bro.”

I was now back to reality and this chick wanted her cooch licked… HEEEELLLLL NO!!!

Skipping past the awkward moment and me telling her I didn’t get down like that, we laid together (naked) in bed talking it over. She didn’t spaz out and get offended because she gave me one of my top ten BJs and I didn’t want to return the favor. Nah, she was a REAL chick and she respected my “gangsta” just as much as I respected hers. She knew we could talk about anything at any time and although somewhat disappointed, she wanted to know (like all the other chicks before her and then some) why I didn’t eat pussy.

What this is and isn’t

Now this isn’t going to be a call to action to convince guys to stop if they already are, or to get guys to not do it if they are currently thinking about it. This is solely about me… ME, ME, ME!!! I say this because I don’t want to have to deal with some chick chucking a cinder block at my head while shouting, “You mek ma man tap suck ma pork!” (You made my man stop eating me out). What this is however is me sharing MY views and opinions on the matter from as many perspectives I can think of that has caused me to take this stance.

Yes I know some of them may be considered juvenile, idiotic, selfish, and lame but that’s just you. In my perfect world of hott chicks who don’t defecate, it makes more sense than always logging out of Facebook every time you use a computer or device that’s not yours. Maybe I should print this out and have it on me every time a chick asked me about this. *scribbles on his “to do” list*

Teenage years: porn

Back in the day of being a teenage boy, chicks were only good for four things: kissing, hand jobs, blow jobs, sex. That’s what porn taught us. I can bet you any guy’s early sexual education (not to be confused with “sex education” which is the study of cervixes and urethras and all that junk) came from porn. Guys used to exchange porn all the time like videogames but we learned from them like textbooks. We sought out those four things I mentioned earlier because we envisioned the dudes banging the hott chicks as being us and they were getting those things so we desired them in real life.

Every act had a weight (we’ll give them points), so for example:

• Kissing=1pt
• Handjob=3pts
• Blowjob=5pts
• Sex=10pts

Side note: points are only awarded once per chick so having sex with the same chick twice only yields 10 pts. Points are doubled if the chick is NOT your girlfriend and tripled if she was someone else’s girlfriend

"So Jenny puts out now?"

So basically the more points you had, the closer you were to being “the Man” and the more respect you got from your peers. Notice how I didn’t put “coochie licking” in that list. Its omitance is because coochie licking is the most fast forwarded section of porn… EVER!!! Why? Well because it’s boring as phuq! You can’t jerk off to a get getting eaten out. There’s no dominance in that at all that you can puff your chest out at. If anything it makes you out to be more of a b!tch (her b!tch to be exact) than anything else.

When you look at it, the point system is based about “getting”. You can GET a kiss from a girl, you can get the cooch from a girl etc. With that comes the sense of “earning”. You invest your mack game and the off chance of making a total fool of yourself, the ability to put up with the cursing you have to endure for running up your parents’ phone bill, the time you take away from your studies to scope hunnies at Dr. Lake’s afterschool classes etc. all in the name of “cooch”. When you were rewarded with such you get the satisfaction associated with it as well as the peace of mind that you put in a lot of work and so therefore you earned it.

In our minds then, there was nothing to be earned from licking cooch so there was no respect given to it. If there is no respect given to it then it’s something that wasn’t pursued. Besides, chicks at that age saw porn as something vile and therefore didn’t watch for recreation, education, or as religiously as we did. They were dumb when it came to having sex or doing anything sexual. The only thing stopping us from banging all the chicks we wanted then were the scare tactics used by those bastards in Family Life & Sex Education that convinced chicks that the penis is the serpent of Satan and the venom it spits either gives you AIDS or babies.

Teenage years: the media

Being a male teenager in the late 90’s crossing over into the early 21^st century growing up in the Caribbean, reggae/dancehall was everything. It was probably the main influence on our lives and how we should live it. The main messages at that time were to have a lot of girls (“‘nuff gyal and gyal inna bungle”), smoke weed (“high grade forever and no bush weed ever”), have zero tolerance for gay males (“boom bye bye inna battybwoy head”), and of course to not eat cooch (“no gyal can si-dung pan me head”).

This span of years produced more anti-carpet munching songs than another other period I can remember. You couldn’t go to a dance/club/party without hearing at least an hour’s worth of these songs. Added to that, the DJ would always be sure to give a shout out to the guys who don’t do it as well as get some chant going that preaches (figurative) violence towards guys who indulged in the act (“Bow cat fi dead!”), or suggests that they’ll go to hell (“More fire!”).

Nobody wanted to be the dude who didn’t chime in and everyone ends up looking at funny. Even the few guys then who were guilty were doing it to. This added pressure from pop culture plus the fact that blowing bubbles in b!t(hes was an act that carried no respect amongst peers helped solidify its place as “the forbidden deed” in our minds. However, there is one more thing that really caused me to steer clear from it during my teens.

Teenage years: Dr. Ramsey

Probably the head honco of STDs, STIs, and anything else sexual or sexually transmitted in Antigua, Dr. Ramsey phuq-ed things up for me and a lot of other Grammarians REAL BAD!

It all went down when I was in third form at the Antigua Grammar School. It was approaching lunch and we were told by our teacher that we were to attend a special presentation in the main building’s auditorium. As we filed in and took seats, we were also joined by the 4^th and 5^th formers. Nobody had a clue as to what this was all about. In the back of our minds we all thought it was some huge inquiry about something one/some of us may have done so we were preparing our anti-snitching responses of “the boy in the white shirt”. The principal then came out and babbled for a bit then introduced Dr. Ramsey. He then came out and announced that he was going to be making a presentation on sex. YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHH BOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIII!!!! What better way to skip out Ms. Frederick’s hella boring Chemistry class and end the school day so we can go scope out CKHS and AGHS chicks?

Had we had known what was going to transpire a lot of us probably wouldn’t have brought our lunches in there with us that day. The good Doc’s presentation was rammed packed FULL of pictures of cauliflower growing in, out, and around vaginas, vaginas leaking ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, and a mixture of the three, faces of babies who passed through said vaginas, and above all pictures of guys who ate/banged “bad cooch” and now their faces were melting or their d!(ks were hanging on for dear life by a vein.

"MAKE IT STOP!!!"

There was pandemonium in the auditorium. Everything was raw and in your face and he didn’t sugarcoat any of it at all. The guys who weren’t puking were hiding their faces while trying not to puke. Suddenly being in Ms. Frederick’s chemistry class became the best thing that could have happened to me at that point. Probably the most messed up part about it was the fact that he stated that these STIs were more likely to outwardly manifest signs and symptoms in males since a lot of them would lay dormant inside a female for a while. So while everything looked good on the outside, she had a pitbull lurking inside her pu$$y just waiting to snap your d!(k off. I guess now a lot of us knew the true meaning behind them saying girls would give us “cooties”.

After visually raping us of the desire to ever again want to sit next to a girl much less have sex with her, we were then sent home. The walk home via the “Kirnon/fire station/West Bus Station” route when school was finished was usually loud and full of excitement and antics. Now it was just a slow march of 300+ males with their heads hung low trying to figure out what the phuq just happened to their lives and what they did to deserve that. It was probably the one day the crossing guard didn’t have any sexual remarks tossed her way or was asked if her daughter in primary school started growing tits yet… *sighs*

The progress eating “pussy” has made

As with anything guys have going for them, you can always count on feminists and punk @$$ b!t(h mother phuq-ers to come and phuq it up. I say this not because I’m against the act itself, but because these idiots came and switched up “the game” and not in a positive way. Allow me to explain.

As I said earlier, oral sex performed on a female wasn’t out in the open before as it is now. Well that was until some guys with below average mack/sex game started what I call the “Real Men Eat Pussy” movement. Again I’ll say that I’m not against the act, but oral sex of any kind (performed on male or female) was and should still be a privilege. This is what I absolutely love about how most chicks today approach giving head and wish most of these guys would adapt.

LAZY!!!

I believe over the years guys have gotten lazy. The need for develop a sharp mack game has become second fiddle to finding the easy way to get cooch and screw the REAL men over in the process. Chicks enjoy oral sex just as much as guys do and that’s cool. The REAL men aren’t going around sticking their face in every cooch they find in hopes of using it as a gimmick to keep girls around. NOPE! We’re out here letting our d!(ks do the talking. If we can’t get a chick hooked on it we step back, take notes, do the homework, and make the necessary improvements for when the next chick comes along. It’s an ongoing process just like building muscle mass. Placing emphasis on carpet munching is like taking steroids; it’s “cheating” and it makes your penis smaller (literally because it shrinks without use ). If anything, licking cooch should be a compliment to your overall sex game. The d!(k is the ice-cream cone and the cooch licking is the sprinkles on top.

These guys I’m talking about however have built their sex game around using their tongues. While that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing at first, they got lazier and built their mack games around using their tongues which then resulted in chicks hearing pickup lines when they go out like, “Every time I see you my tongue gets an erection.” This is where the main problem really lies.

See now because of these lazy mofos, a guy giving a female oral sex is no longer regarded as a privilege but as an expectance.  We as men have now lost our position of dominance and respect and are now seen as the sluts of the world of oral sex. We are now at the point where chicks are telling us that we have to “eat before you beat” and I for one refuse to contribute to this madness. Phuq outta here with that bull$h!t. Yes this is the ego talking.

Despite all of this, I take great delight in seeing that it is now starting to come around and bite them in the @$$ (no homo). Chicks constantly come to me complaining about these “thirsty” guys out there trying to hit on them by telling them stuff like they want to get their tongues lost up inside of them. What was at first a scam to cheat the “game” and score chicks easily is now turning out to be a huge turnoff. So these guys are left to either put in work and develop their “game” or go back to not getting pu$$y. The thing is that the damage as already been done and the REAL men out there along with myself have a lot of work ahead of us in restoring us to where we once were (cognitively).

Which brings me to another thing; these same guys are quick to remark that they will “snatch a chick a chick off my arm” because I’m not sucking her right and she needs a man who can do that. To this I say there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that your tongue can do for a chick that my d!(k can’t do ten times better that would cause a chick to leave me and run to you. I’ve got money riding on this claim too so get your paper up. You’ll probably even resort to “bad talking” and not even that may help .

Women are VILE creatures when it comes to oral sex

I’m not going comment on this at all, but share a story.

A homie of mine LOVED nothing more than to eat cooch. Like he felt it was God’s purpose for him to just eat cooch. He went over to his girl’s house and found her sitting in bed in panties and a t-shirt reading a book. He flicked off the lights and instantaneously dove between her legs and went to work. About 10 minutes or so in, his cell phone next to him on the bed started to ring and he ignored the call. The person called back about two more times and he ignored those calls as well. The phone ringing was disrupting them so he stopped to reach over and turn it off. The light from the phone caught his shirt as he looked down and he jumped backwards and flicked the lights on.

When he did this, he realized in utter shock that what he thought he saw was actually true. His shirt had spots of blood on it and there were little spots on the bed as well where he just was. He looked at her in horror and disgust with his bottom jaw trembling as if the temperature in the room dropped 70 degrees. The only words she could manage to present him with were, “Babes it felt soo good that I didn’t want to tell you to stop.”

Need I say more?

The vagina isn’t as “clean” as you want people to believe

He ate a bad one...

Chicks ALWAYS try to hit me with the lame line of “Did you know the vagina cleans itself and is therefore cleaner than a penis?” Hidden STIs and all aside, that is still the biggest bowl of bull. Yeah it cleans itself out on the INSIDE constantly but all the stuff cleaning out doesn’t just evaporate. No you “scared to read a text book and use common sense” heffa, all that “waste” it’s cleaning out gets pushed to the outside… THE PLACE WHERE YOU WANT MY FACE TO GO!!! *dies*

On a real though, where do you think “feminine odor” comes from (partially)? The more it builds up the more it smells. Some chicks don’t create as much “waste” or create it fast enough to have that constant “stale vag” odor, but let them get some alcohol in their system and go dancing all night *gags*. Other chicks however… let’s just say that they are the ones helping Vagisil stay afloat all these years.

I’m not saying all chicks are like that though ‘cause I personally know some of them who could have just gotten done from the gym and still smell like “baby powder”. My thing is if I’m not really a fan of the smell on my fingers some of the times, why would I like the taste? …feel me?

“But isn’t it unfair that you like getting head but not giving?”

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL NO!!!!! You like getting paid but don’t like having to work 40 hours a week for it right? Why can’t I apply the same principle here in this aspect of my life? I mean you’d marry Orlando Bloom so you can NOT have to work another day in your life and take half his $h!t if he phuqs up and bangs a hotter chick. If you ask me, that’s having your cake and eating it too. Well, I also happen to like eating cake and have developed a fondness of it!

Black men don’t eat “pussy”

You know, I didn’t know that was a stereotype until I moved to Canada. Apparently that chapter was omitted from my copy of “Stay Black and Die Black: the Guide to Being a Black Man” that was given to me at birth. I encountered this label with a chick with which I had a similar situation to the one I described to start this post. I’ll spare the details but no; black guys drink poon juice with tongue straws just as much as guys from any other race do… just in case you were wondering…

FINALLY, the “end all, MAIN reason why I don’t eat “pussy”

I’m a virgin!

OK, maybe not by the standards set by society, but by my personal definition that I have for ME (most important part here) I am one. I say this because since I’ve always worn a condom, my penis has never physically touched any inner vaginal walls so that technically makes me a virgin awaiting “deflowerment”. That deflowering  will be done by the chick I end up marrying since she’ll be the first chick I have unprotected sex with. Oh how I love my perfect little world. ^_^

On a real though, besides my @$$ virginity which I’m taking with me to the grave, my “coochie licking tongue virginity” is the only item of purity I have left that I can bring to the table and be able to say to my wife, “Here you go babe. I’ve waited for you all my life and I’ve been saving this for you! J” Then she can take it and train me in the way of “unlocking” her cooch with it and she’ll have the peace of mind that she was the first and only person I’ll ever do that to. Again in my perfect little world, it all plays out well and I guess it evens out any possible thought she may have in the back of her mind that she married some sort of man whore. I really could care less about how corny that sounds and the chicks I end up dating/messing with and not marrying will just have to “learn to deal”.

So I guess should probably change this post’s title to “Why I don’t eat pussy… at this point in my life” but I’m too lazy to do that right now. I pray it has helped to give some insight as to why I and others like myself aren’t really fans of doing it and maybe some of you will hop off our d!(ks about it. Then again, since you can’t ever totally please humans regardless as to how much you try to justify an action… PHUQ YA’LL!! ^_^

I’ll be seeing you peeps in ANU next week.