Your boyfriend cheated and so what?

I can hear the bitter male bashers, owners of broken hearts, committed females, and straight feminists (oxymoron) already organizing the lynch mob to come at me for just the title alone. Before you go rushing into things as usual (because it worked out so well for Eve and the rest of you that first time), hear me out.

Perk up buttercup!

Let me start by saying that I haven’t cheated on a girlfriend… yet (always leave room for error). I’ll admit that I’ve probably had hundreds of opportunities to do so, but God blessed me with a pinch more will power. That said, given the right time, place, situation, and chick (most important element) I probably would. ‘Aint no shame in the game baby!

I have however observed the situations of others in their moment of weakness and compared them to the situations that I’ve found myself in and I could see how they could have ended up cheating on their significant other regardless as to how hott she was or how good things were between them. Let me just toss a statistic in here while I’m at it.

At birth, only 3% of guys are actually BORN cheaters. Around age 19 another 40% of the overall span of guys will have eventually became cheaters because they had their heart broken by some chick, hence bringing the overall cheater population to 43% of guys. This post is not about that 43% for two reasons:

1. 3% were born/brought up that way by the early male influences in their lives
2. the other 40% became cheaters by your own or one of your sisters’ doing (innocent suffering for the guilty again); and let’s all be REAL, some of you know you’ve broken some teenage hearts once or twice

Now that we’ve cleared up who we’re referring to here, let’s move on.

Guys think with their dicks

"The BEAST!!!"

All guys are born with cataracts. We are forced to live the first 13-16 years of our lives with this medical problem until we get a house call from Dr. Puberty. It’s only after that operation that we’re able to see the world in full color and realize that chicks have tits, a cooch, ass, thighs, lips, toes (wtf?), etc. Sometimes the operation doesn’t go so well, we see different things, and that’s how gay guys are “born”. Anyways, after that visit we realize that the sole mission for the next 10-15 years of our lives is to create a list of all the types of chicks we want to bang, and bang them; hence starting “the Hunt”. List elements are taken from categories such as race, personal qualities, physical features, ethnicity, profession etc. Some guys have long lists, some have short ones, but just know that to date a guy during this time of his life is somewhat risky. You may get lucky and end up being everything he wanted on his list (or most of it) or maybe just one of the check boxes before he moves on again. See things would be a lot easier if a guy could just walk up to a chick, show her where she fits in on his list and bang her. Then we’d all be perfect bachelors by age 19, but the world doesn’t work like that. *sighs*

It’s a very complicated equation to explain but one of the basic rules of thumb is that depending on how much of his list you complete determines how long you guys will stay together if things go well. He usually ends up marrying the chick who completed the last of his list, or the one that brings him as close enough to completion that he’ll settle for. Guys stop bugging about their lists around ages 30-35 but because of the complexity of the variables and variants involved, take all of this with a teacup of salt and use this information for educational purposes. Just stop for a second and think back to the relationships that didn’t work out for reasons unknown to you or why he left you for/and is currently going out with “that bitch”. Brings some truth to that phrase, “It’s not you; it’s me” doesn’t it? I said all of this to bring up my next and main point.

Just because he cheated doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you

Lower your pitchforks you Lifetime lasses, I’m almost done here. To make a long explanation a bit shorter, allow me to draw a little scenario.

Calvin
List items includes

• blonde
• Hispanic
• French
• big tits
• black chick
• chick with Irish accent
• Asian chick
• green eyes
• phat ass with small waist
• “Coke” bottle hunnie with broad hips
• tall
• works at a library
• loves sports and plays some I do
• cooks, cleans, won’t bitch when I leave the toilet seat down
• MILF

Aww, such an innocent widdle kitty!

You see, there is NO WAY a chick can be all of that. You may say that’s asking for a lot but at least we know what we want. Anyways, let’s say you were a tall black Hispanic chick with big tits, phat ass, and a small waist that worked at a library who grew up in Ireland but spoke French and is in their 40′s, has kids and LOVED sports………*pauses*……… there is no way you can fulfill the role of being a blonde white Asian with green eyes, who’s a midget that cooks, cleans, won’t bitch when you leave the toilet seat down… blah blah blah…

…BUT, because you were a lot of those things, he decided to date you and things are going good until he’s introduced to a chick who’s only two things on the list… now what? It’s going to be bugging the hell out of him to go mess with this chick, especially if she knows the situation but still doesn’t mind and may be even making advances.

Let’s be REAL for a minute…

More often than not, if you’re going out with a chick based mainly on her personality and habits, she’s not that hott. If one of my homies came up to me and said, “YOOO MAN!!! I’ve fallen in love with this chick who has the most amazing personality and enjoys the same things I do.”, chances are she’s either right there with him while he’s saying that or she’s extra regular looking. Any guys kicking it with “the guys” would go on about her physical features first and mention personality traits DEAD LAST.

…OK back on track. So it’s you the “personality” chick VS. the ditsy Italian chick with the body of a goddess who has annoying habits and is anything but the chick mom would like you to bring home. Sure she gets his hormones raging in ways that you can’t, but after he busts that nut which puts a check mark on his list, things calm down again and you’re the first person on his mind. The chick who made him chicken noodle soup when he was sick. The chick who hates basketball but would shut up about it and watch every single playoffs game for the Lakers with him. The chick who’d use condiments to draw a smiley face on his burger. The same chick who he’d cuddle with all night during a snowstorm without saying a word to each other and think it was a night well spent.

You see ladies, the male “nut” (not the testicle) is an amazing event with magical powers. The buildup starts the moment the last one ends and although it has the ability to cloud judgement, is also has the ability to help point out the one you should be with (I’ll write a post about that some other time). It would explain why some guys turn into bitches after “nutting” with someone they’ve slept with other than their significant other. *rolls eyes*

Now to answer the question that may be going through the mind of a lot of you chicks…

“Oh, so if I’m supposed to be ‘aight with a guy who cheats on me it goes the other way around too right?”

HEEEEEEEEELLLLLL NAWH!!! When chicks cheat they invest love and feelings and shit and you guys plan it out and make an “informed” decision to do so. So you KNOW it’s what they mean to do; and for us it’s “just a nut” (again, there’s ALWAYS exceptions). The “DTF”-drive of chicks and guys operates on two COMPLETELY different systems. We have the ability to “hit” with all emotional connections cut off, not speak to you again, and go home to our wives… While you guys expect a phone call, e-mail, text, or something because you feel like we owe you some of our love and affection since you gave away a bit of what should have been going to your husband (can’t stress this enough, there’s always exceptions).

Moral of the story Mr. Aesop?

“Guys, don’t cheat!” It’s a simple thing to say and a harder thing to do. The way I see it, if you HATE the headache of having chick drama and some chick jumping down your throat like I do, it’ll motivate you enough to try your best not to. I mean I’ll understand where you’re coming from, but no matter how many blog post like this she reads, she never well. Probably because of the fact that the modern woman HATES conforming to double standards the put men 1up on them. I know my mild sounding words may not affect some of you but it’s all good, “Chip, sometimes you just gotta race!”

The way I see it though is that a higher number of you who go out, cheat, and get caught equates to a higher number of chicks I can get to come to me looking for a shoulder to cry on; and I’ve got broad shoulders. Furthermore, believe me when I say I’ll be that dude who hugs her and tells her it’ll be OK while looking over her shoulder with my “Quagmire phuq phace” on.

GIGGIDY GIGGIDY GOO!!!